Finding Motherhood

Deep Scars

2011-11-04T17:43:00.002-04:00

I am still having the HARDEST time accepting that I had to have a c-section with Chloe.

Its been six months. And yet I keep re-living that day over and over in my mind. I really wanted an unassisted home birth-that was the plan. I envisioned delivering her in the bathtub (no water birth, just in the bathtub.) and calling an ambulance to take us to the hospital afterward to be checked out. I felt confident in my body, in myself. Everything went so well with Harlee's birth, I just wanted to experience all that and more with Chloe's birth.

But I didn't get that. I didn't get to experience the ultimate rush immediately after a natural delivery. I didn't get to be the first to look into her eyes, to touch her, to feed her. I didn't have the chance to allow her cord to stop pulsing before it was cut. I didn't get to tell them not to put that goop in her eyes. I didn't get to see the reaction in my husbands eyes as she came into the world. I wasn't even conscious to know she was okay.

I did not have control over the situation. I could not control it. I was unable to control it. No matter how many times I tell myself that, it doesn't make it any better.

It still seems surreal. From that moment the ultrasound tech yelled to the doctor, it all seems like a bad dream. Someone else's nightmare. Not mine.

I know the c-section rate is out of control in this country. I am now another statistic. Another mother who had a c-section. I know it was absolutely necessary, that I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind. I often hear many women say "Oh I had an emergency c-section too! It took them 45 minutes to get my epidural before they could start." And I shake my head, because if it really were an emergency you would have nurses RUNNING your bed down the hall to the operating room where you are knocked out cold and the baby is out in under 4 minutes. (Yeah, that was me.)

Yes, I have a healthy baby and am very grateful. No, it is not "all that matters." What matters is I have to live with doubting every little thing I did. Was it right for me to take those strong meds for my migraines? Did that have something to do with it? Did I go too early to the hospital and set a chain of events in motion? Did I not receive proper care to prevent this? What if I had been in a different hospital?

Those thoughts will haunt me forever. Because having (another) natural birth was so important to me. I can't go back. I can't change it. I just have to embrace that I got to experience both sides of birth. The completely everything-gone-wrong and the just-the-way-I-wanted-it. Its hard to move on, looking into Chloe's eyes and knowing I miss those first precious moments with her.

Vesectomy

2011-08-08T17:15:00.002-04:00

Yes, you read that right. DH got a vasectomy. It sounds so weird to say after trying so hard for so long to start our family.

Near the end of the last pregnancy with Chloe, the OB started in with the "What do you want to use for birth control after the baby?" talk. Well, it hadn't been an issue for so long I never really considered it. The OB went on to explain that if I were to get pregnant again, it would probably be even more difficult than with Chloe. I already knew it in my heart, and after the rough pregnancy with Chloe and the traumatic birth, it was something I did not wish to ever repeat.

Birth control pills? Nope. Already decided against that. After taking them for so many years I am convinced that they really messed up my body. The OB was kind of pushing for an IUD. But after going home and researching that, I found too many women have problems bleeding, hormone issues, etc and I really did not need any of that.

Sooo...that left DH. We talked about each option for me, and how I was not comfortable putting any more hormones, foreign devices, or anything for that matter into my body. We decided after enduring fertility treatments and having one natural birth and one emergency c-section, that he could take one for the family and get snipped.

He wasn't thrilled, but he did it. The insurance covered most of it, but we still had to pay $300. I hope that it works. If by strange chance we fell pregnant, and I really doubt we would with me having to take so many drugs and him getting "fixed," I suppose we would have to just deal with it and go through another rough pregnancy. I hope that never happens.

Its just so weird to be permanently preventing pregnancy instead of trying to do everything possible to conceive. I guess all things must come to an end, and two girls is going to have to be it for us!

Welcome Sister Chloe!

2011-06-02T13:26:00.009-04:00

Where to begin?

I know I haven't kept up the blogging so much with this pregnancy. It was rough. My migraine headaches were so severe and so frequent, I left work on leave much sooner than expected. I was off by the end of March, and our baby girl wasn't due until May 28th.

Recalling the events leading to her birth are hard for me. It was scary. Traumatic. And everything Harlee's birth was not.

Our little Chloe was born Friday April 28th at 9:58am. For the two weeks up to her birth I had been constantly in and out of the hospital due to my severe and constant migraines. I have memories of morphine drips, being sent home on fiorecet and compazine, returning to get dilaudid. They said dilaudid was 8 times more powerful than morphine. It did bring down the pain to a manageable level, but it wiped me out. I couldn't function, and the days I was home were spent in bed or on the couch. The doctors were reluctant to give me the fiorecet and then the dilaudid, because of potential addiction. After begging them to give me something because I felt like literally putting a bullet in my head to stop the pain, they agreed. I understood the risks, and that once the baby was born she would have to be watched for signs of withdrawl. Anything to get me through that awful pain. I begged to be induced early, but they would only agree at that point to do it at 39 weeks. I thought "No way, I'll never make it."

As I neared 34 and 35 weeks I may as well have had a room with my name fixed on the door at the hospital. I was in for a few days or a week, then home for a day or two, then right back I'd go. I was home at 35w6d and began to go into labor on my own late at night. I wasn't sure what to do. I knew having a baby that early was not good, but I wanted that baby out, knowing my migraines would likely cease upon delivery! I wasn't sure if the doctors would stop the contractions to prevent me from having her, or just let it happen.

I waited until the contractions were 3-5 minutes apart and we decided to head in. The triage doctor checked me and said I was about 3cm dilated. Ok, less than what I wanted but still good. He called my doctor to decide what to do. My doctor said to stay at the hospital, walk for an hour, and see what happened. So we walked, and I had regular contractions during the 20 or so laps around the maternity floor. We returned to triage where a different doctor checked me again to see if I made any progress. Zero. Not only zero progress, but I was ZERO dilated. Umm-huh? Is that even possible? So I was a 3, and now a ZERO? Can you even go backwards? And while I was in triage my contractions began to fizzle. Great, just great.

My doctor decided to keep me anyways for a few hours and see what happened, possibly starting pitocin in the early morning hours. I was then set up in a labor and delivery room which seemed so very large. I don't even remember what the room looked like when I had Harlee, since it was about an hour and a half from the time we arrived at the hospital until she was born. Everything happened so fast with her. This was so very different. I did not feel like this baby was actually coming since contractions were only a few an hour at this point. They said I just HAD to have an IV with fluids, and continuous monitoring, and NO FOOD OR DRINK! Are you kidding? Everything was so fast with Harlee's birth I just kinda did it my way. I had the energy and guts to fight the "hospital policies." This birth I just didn't have it in me. I wanted her out ASAP, I was in pain, doped up on dilaudid, tired, exhausted, you name it.

My doctor was kept up to date about the lack of progress. Night turned to morning. I was now 36 weeks. I remember the nurses kept coming in and asking if I was watching the royal wedding that morning on TV. William and Kate, her fabulous dress, yeah I could care less. One of the three doctors in the practice I go to was planning on doing an amniocentesis at 37 weeks to check for lung maturity and they would consider delivering me then. He then decided since I was already in the hospital, he would see if he could get someone to do it now and see if her lungs were ready at 36 weeks.

I was sent by wheelchair to the other end of the maternity floor to have the amnio done by the high risk doctor at the hospital. Having an amnio was not something I had given much thought to. Hadn't really had time, or thought it would actually happen. Gulp. It is a HUGE LONG NEEDLE. Yeah I hate needles. How was I ever going to be able to do this? I held my husband's hand as the ultrasound tech tried to find the "spot" they would go for. She sounded confident that there were plenty of suitable pockets of fluid, and she and the doctor agreed on which one to take the fluid from. As the doctor explained they needed 10cc of fluid for the lab to do the lung maturity test, I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything except that God awful pain from that needle. It reminded me of the pain from the injections when going through infertility treatments with our first pregnancy. The needle was thin, but loooong. It was taking FOREVER. How long does it take to suck up some fluid? I thought they said just a minute or so. Then I could hear the doctor saying "I only have 4cc, we need 10." And he began to rotate the needle while still in me to fish for more. It hurt soooo bad. The tech was saying he hit a cramp. I swear it was 10-15 minutes before he finally took that thing out. He couldn't get anymore fluid.

The tech went about her job and started doing a full ultrasound to check on the baby, as was originally planned. The doctor used the phone in the room to call to the lab to see if they could still do the test with only 4cc of amniotic fluid. The tech moved the wand over my belly for a few minutes. "Doctor," she said. He was still on the phone. "DOCTOR!" she shouted to him. In that split second I knew something was wrong.

He slammed the phone down mid sentence and stepped over to the screen. "She's at 60!" the nurse nervously said. "Go now!" the doctor ordered.

Oh my God. Is this really happening? I knew it was her heartrate. It was plummeting. It was in the 150's in the labor and delivery room. I knew 60 was bad.

I'm not sure if they have some emergency button, or phone code they push or what, but immediately every available staff member nearby flew into the tiny room where we were and began to grab the bed I was on. I remember looking up and back for my husband, who was unhooking my IV pole from the curtain it had become tangled in as they tried to get me down the hall. They were RUNNING. I was surrounded by at least 4 other staff members and the high risk doctor and ultrasound tech. I remember going down a ramp and almost crashing into a wall, except some orderly grabbed the foot end of my bed and spun me around. I looked back for my husband who was trying to keep up with us. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him as I got to the double doors of an operating room.

Someone grabbed my glasses off my face. Pure panic set in. Oh my God I'm having a c-section. My worst nightmare. Is the baby gong to make it? Will I make it? My right arm dangled off the operating table. Someone grabbed it and tied it to the little board that was previously missing. There was no shouting, no yelling. It was quiet-well in my mind it was. Everything seemed in slow motion. Someone shoved a catheter in me. I yelled "Couldn't you have waited till I was out to do that?" No one responded. Two anesthesiologists hoovered over my face and firmly asked if there was anything they should know. I quickly repeated my allergy to amoxicillian and told them my current medications I was taking. There was no time for me to think, to gather my thoughts, or to breathe deep. They placed that awful gas mask over my face. I hate that smell. Odd how you remember it from surgeries many years ago. They told me to breathe deep. I tried not to. I began to pray. "Dear God let her be okay. Let me be okay. Please..." and that was it. I was out.

Hubby was held back, outside two sets of double doors. He stood there shaking, holding back his man-tears, wondering if he'd ever see his wife again or get to see his baby girl. Staff members surrounded him and gave him hugs, patting him on the back trying to calm him down.

Someone held open one set of double doors, held the baby up briefly, and she started to cry. As soon as she cried, my husband felt relief. We were later told we had the fastest c-section in the history of the hospital. Baby Chloe was out in under 4 minutes.

Hubby waited as Chloe was wheeled out the doors in her bassinet towards the NICU. He followed her and somehow convinced NICU staff to let him in with her, even though he had no access bracelet yet and had not been cleared to enter. He remained with her through her first hour or so, getting a few pictures with his camera on his forbidden cellphone. She was quickly moved to a covered incubator thingy and hooked up to an IV and various other wires and monitors.

About an hour and a half after my c-section, I awoke in a recovery room. I don't remember actually waking up, just asking if my baby made it. My belly was so sore, tight, and heavy. The recovery nurse quickly fetched my husband from the NICU. He showed me the pictures on his phone. She was SO tiny. 5lbs 4 oz and tons of wires. She looked lots like her sister Harlee did. I wanted to see her, hold her.

They told me I had to wait 8 hours to get up out of bed and make the trip to the NICU. 8 hours seemed like forever. I felt so empty, so far away from her. She should be in her mommy's arms, not a plastic box hearing unfamiliar voices. I tried to rationalize in my mind that she was in a good place and being taken care of. Unsure of why she went in distress in the first place, along with being watched for signs of withdrawl from all the meds I was on, I knew she had to be there. I just never imagined I'd have a baby in the NICU. I wanted to have her at home, and just show up at the hospital shortly after. Things just didn't turn out that way.

I pulled back the sheet over me, not sure what to expect. All I saw were ice packs and a large abdominal binder wrapped around my sore belly. That's okay. I wasn't ready to see the carnage of a ripped open stomach anyways. I was SO sleepy. I fought sleep to ask my husband all the details. Her first moments. Did they put that goop in her eyes? Yes. Dangit. That's what happens when you are unconscious and can't voice your wishes I guess. What happened? Why did her heartrate drop? Did they puncture her with that needle during the amnio? No, she seemed fine. The high risk doctor that performed the surgery did tell him my placenta was abnormally thin and had a partial abruption. But that was the only clue. I fell back asleep for a few more minutes.

I was so desperate to see my baby. I slept for a while, then stayed awake. We decided to call our family and let them know. They came up and went to the NICU one by one with my husband to see Chloe. It was hard. Everyone saw her before I did.

6PM finally rolled around. I had never been to a NICU, and wasn't entirely prepared. I knew that she had stuff all hooked up to her, but when it's YOUR baby, you just feel so helpless. Countless beeps and alarms. The lights were very dim. Not many parents, just lots of nurses. As my husband wheeled me over to her isolette thingy I started bawling. My poor pumpkin. Why are you here? I wanted to reach in and grab her and take off. But I knew I could hardly walk, let alone run. I could see her one hand was bruised where they must have tried putting an IV in, I could see the other hand had one all taped in. We waited there, just peering in. My husband said I could touch her and showed me how to open the circular doors on the sides to reach my hands in. I wanted to hold her. Could I just take her out? I waited and waited until finally a nurse came over. She said only for a few minutes and then she had to go back. So upsetting.

I was a long 4 days in the NICU. We were there every moment we could. I needed rest, but gave up as much as possible to be there for every feeding, and after she was moved into an open air bassinet I was able to hold her all I wanted. Because she was being watched for withdrawl, they had this checksheet to mark her symptoms on. If she had a score of 8 for the day, then she had to stay longer and get started on meds. Thankfully her score never got that high. The most frustrating thing was that every day, every new nurse we got, we would ask when we were going home. And no one could say, or even give an estimate. Monday morning the doctors making their rounds finally heard I was going home and said she gets to go with me. Thank you. That's what we wanted.

My OB saw me in the morning, just before we were released. He made it to the operating room right when they were stitching me up. He said that the placenta was thin, and they could see the partial abruption, but he could not explain why she went into distress. Could it have been from the stress of the amnio? Maybe. Was the placenta failing? Maybe. I am trying to come to terms with what happened. Maybe we were just thankfully in the right place at the right time. Maybe her heartrate dropping was destined to happen, and us going to the hospital Thursday night was the right decision. What if we had stayed home? What if my doctor had sent us home when we were only 3cm dilated? What if I hadn't had to take all the dangerous painkillers for my migraines?

Trying to live with the "is" in life and let go of "what ifs" sometimes is difficult.

But here she is. A little over a month old now. I try to soak up each day I get with her. Harlee is doing good as a big sister, smothering her with kisses every day. We decided our family will be complete. I cannot go through another rough pregnancy and delivery.

And so begins, "Life after Infertility." I can't wait to see our girls grow up together. We finally have the family we always dreamed of.

13w6d Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T19:29:00.002-05:00

Well my migraines are pretty bad. I did see the neurologist the other day to get back on my pindolol, hopefully within a few weeks they will be under control. I have missed quite a bit of work and really can't afford to be out too much. Morning sickness this time around is much worse, I am wondering if it will be like this the whole pregnancy. Most nights I get up around 2:30am and eat a bowl of cereal to keep my stomach from eating itself. I try not to bend over much, all the stomach acid wants to come up. It is hard with a toddler wanting me to fish her toys out from under the couch. Brushing my teeth is the worst-I gag every time, I try to be quick, but still have thrown up a few times.

Broke out the maternity clothes today. My stomach is HUGE! At least they are more comfy. I just feel like it is so early to be wearing them, but I know most people get bigger a lot faster the second time around.

I am excited for my big ultrasound, I wish it was here faster! It should be just before or just after Christmas. As long as the baby is healthy, we will be happy no matter what!

9w3d

2010-10-25T16:19:00.002-04:00

Well first appt went as expected. The doctor only saw one baby, so that is good. I love to see that heartbeat flickering away! We have told our immediate family, but other than that not too many others. I hope to keep it a secret at work as long as possible, just because there are some people who just are that mean, and may try to give me a hard time. For now I am in my largest size pants at work, once these are too tight I will have to bring out the maternity ones. Seems like my belly is huge already! I haven't been sleeping well at night due to feeling sick. Hubby has been pretty good about letting me get a nap in before work, so that helps. We have been trying to tell Harlee that mommy has a baby in her belly. She is starting to learn, I think, because when we ask her where the baby is she comes over and lifts my shirt and pokes at my fat rolls! Too cute! I can't wait to feel the baby move, it makes it more real! The doctor said it should be about 16 weeks. I felt Harlee move at 17 weeks, so hopefully much sooner this time around.

My website is up!

2010-10-15T17:12:00.002-04:00

Okay bloggy friends, Harlee's Hairbows is now on the web! I hope someday to be able to quit my real job and stay at home full time with my babies and work from home doing something I love!

I need any help I can get! If you or anyone you know is willing to leave a link on your page, it will help search engines in crawling the web to find us! I would appreciate it so much! The website is http://www.harleeshairbows.com

7w4d Sick

2010-10-12T20:21:00.002-04:00

Oh my, the morning sickness is way worse this time. All the things that worked last time, just don't cut it this time. For now the only thing that helps is peppermint tea and those red and white starlight mints. I have a hard time eating or drinking anything. My stomach is getting way big, way fast. Our first appointment with the doctor is coming up, just two more days. Then we will get our ultrasound, hopefully there is just one baby in there. I am definitely nervous about that. I will update after our appointment on Thursday!

Wow...

2010-09-15T11:38:00.002-04:00

Took an HPT this morning expecting it to be negative and to have to call to get a blood test. To my surprise: I saw two pink lines, clear as day. I can't believe it! I am 12dpo today. I couldn't get a positive pee stick until way later last time. This is our first cycle TTC#2, and I'm shocked. I feel so fortunate. It took so long the first time around, I expected the same this time. My doctor said once I had the first baby, my body might be back on track and know what to do. My first appointment is with an intake nurse on Oct. 7th. I won't know anything then, the next appt I will meet with the doctor and he will do an ultrasound. I hope we have just one, taking the Clomid scares me.

We won't be telling people for quite a while, hopefully we can wait until I am showing, so no posting on Facebook!

Just a Few More Days...

2010-09-13T21:04:00.002-04:00

I am 10dpo today, just a few more and I can get my blood test. I really have no idea if it will work this time around, just hoping. Either way-still no one knows we are trying, not sure if we will take a break after this or keep going. It is stressful, all these hormones. My face is so broke out, my tummy swollen.

I will let all my readers know as soon as I find out! Till then...may time go quickly by!

Hot Flashes are Gone

2010-08-30T19:48:00.002-04:00

I think yesterday was the end of the hot flashes-thank goodness! I have had a bit of pain in my left side, I'm praying I wasn't overstimulated from the Clomid. I have had a high on my monitor for a few days, so I am just waiting to O. Time seems to move in slow motion when you would like for it to hurry along.

I have plenty to keep me busy these days though, as I have started my own business (yes I still have my normal job) selling hairbows! I still need to get hubby to finish up the website, but for now people can buy off my facebook page. I enjoy making beautiful things and have always been a crafty person. We have taken the dining room and transformed it into my work area. One whole wall is now shelving to hold all the plastic bins of ribbon and bows that are ready to sell. I have a craft show and a Mom2Mom sale at the beginning of November, these will be my first two big shows and I am definitely nervous! I need tons of stock to take to the shows, and working a full time job and still trying to squeeze in time to make my bows is difficult. I know that my creations are definitely a different style than what most bow makers have, and so far I seem to be getting postive feedback by the amount of interest. I am holding a sort of "open house" this Saturday at my home to debut all my creations! This week I have plenty to do including cleaning the house and finishing up all my Halloween bows! I'm very excited! Once I have my website up, I will post a link for anyone to put on their blog if they would like to send me some new fans!

Just when things are all set to go...

2010-08-24T16:25:00.002-04:00

I was excited to get on with my next cycle and begin all the meds and move along with TTC#2. Of course, my body had other plans. When AF did not arrive on schedule, I was a bit confused. Ever since I have been on the metformin, my cycles have been 28-30 days, totally normal. And of course 33 days came and went. Was I pregnant? Pee stick said no, but that means nothing. When I was pregnant with Harlee I did not get a postive HPT until way after a positive blood test. I called, got my blood work, and had to wait for a call on Friday which was the start of our vacation. I was SO upset. Why now? If I was pregnant, we weren't trying on purpose that cycle and I did not take my progesterone, therefore there was little chance of a fertilized egg sticking. If I wasn't pregnant-then where is AF? Why am I late?

Friday I started spotting, it was SO light, which is unusual. Then the agaony of waiting for a phone call, which never came. I called at 3pm, and had to explain my situation and get transferred a few times before they told me it was negative. And a few hrs later AF showed. Go figure. Still don't know why that cycle was so long. I was upset for a few days, but I'm moving on-hopefully our first cycle of trying will be it! Wouldn't that be exciting, to get pregnant so easily this time?

I have begun the clomid-already had a few hot flashes today. Hopefully it won't be too bad. Trying to get back in the habit of temping every morning and remembering the monitor. I am super excited!

I will try to post vacation pics in later this week!

Closer to TTC #2

2010-08-10T19:18:00.002-04:00

Only another week or so till we begin! Ahh the dreaded clomid hot flashes, yeah I didn't forget about those! Let's hope the second time around is lots easier than the first.

We are both hoping if we do get pregnant, that baby #2 will be very different from Harlee. I don't think either one of us could handle another colicky infant. That was AWFUL! No lies, I'll never sugar coat it. I can only imagine a quiet sleeping baby, all bundled up and being rocked in mommy's arms. But, we know there is that possibility.

We are not telling any family or friends about our journey this time around. It will just be easier. I don't even want to tell anyone until I am showing! Hubby thinks people will notice, but I think we should at least be able to make it to 16-20 weeks before telling everyone.

I'm so excited! Sometimes I tell myself I am nuts, but then I look at sweet Harleecakes and know she would be a fabulous big sister. I don't want her growing up as an only child.

Harlee is growing so fast, we keep looking at her and wishing we could stop time and keep her this age forever. She learns so much! She still doesn't say many words other than mommy or dada, occasionally ball. She has however, picked up on baby signs like crazy! She knows and can sign back: milk, eat, water, fish, fan, ball. She recognizes: banana, cracker, bath, toothbrush, airplane, flower but hasn't signed them back yet. She has this cute book that has a little rhyme about eyes, nose, fingers, toes, etc. and she points to each thing as we read it! So adorable! She makes animal sounds as we read another book of animals. Oh-the other day she decided to take her plastic toy banana and beat the cat with it! It was hilarious! Then she grabbed a plastic slice of melon and beat her with that! (I know it sounds cruel, but the cat didn't mind and I was CRACKING up!) I need to get taking some more pictures before time gets away from us!

Moving Along

2010-07-27T18:40:00.002-04:00

I saw the OB/GYN a few weeks ago, got everything all set to go there. I will be on the same protocol as my last pregnancy as far as the clomid and progesterone and blood draws. Kind of on my own, but I think I remember what to do and if not then there is the good 'ole internet! He asked what dosage we used last time for the clomid and I said I took it for many months and played around with it, taking sometimes one to two tablets, and changing up which cycle days to take it on. So its up to me to start with what I want. For some reason he didn't have the dosage of the progesterone written down anywhere in my file so he is supposed to have called the compounding pharmacy in town to see what they did last time and use that dosage again. I need to call tomorrow to make sure it is right.

I went to pick up some routine meds yesterday and was slammed with another hurdle. Apparantly my prescription coverage has been maxed out for the year and it is only July! Yikes. This happened last year, but not till October. We'll make it somehow. That progesterone is over $120 a month and my Fortamet ER (metformin) is about that much too. And then there's all the rest.

I did call a midwife in the lower Michigan area last week, a referral from a friend. The phone interview went well and I can't wait till we can meet her in person after we actually get pregnant and get past 12 weeks or so. More on the midwife thing when we get there!

I turned 30 today. I wasn't so bad. I have a fabulous husband, beautiful baby I never thought I have, and am even starting my own business! I feel pretty good and can't wait to see what this year will bring!

Why I Went Private

2010-07-09T18:09:00.003-04:00

No, no crazy stalkers. Just some info I am not ready to share with everyone IRL just yet. But all of you bloggy friends have been there for me, and that's why I started this blog, and so it will continue! My journey moves on.

Our first year with Harlee has flown by so fast I can hardly believe it! It has been everything and more I ever dreamed it could be! We never spoke of it at all during the first year, but recently DH asked "So when are we ready for another one?" We had discussed long ago that we would love to try to have kids about 2 or 3 years apart. Whoa. I guess if we plan on having another when Harlee is 2, that means I need to get pregnant by this September. That is coming up!

Everything came flooding back in a whirlwind of emotions. Gosh did I remember all that it took? Can we do this again? Do we want to do this again? We really want Harlee to have a sibling. I admit, I am scared.

I started setting up all my doctor's appointments. When we were pregnant with Harlee I had asked the OB if they were okay using the same protocol if we wanted to get pregnant again and they said yes, so I am scheduled to go see them next week. I go to see the neurologist in August, I will have to be off of the migraine meds I am on, and go on something different. The ones I am on now cause severe birth defects and I have to wean off them slowly. Hopefully everything will be timed out just right. Its a lot to get together, and I hope everything works out.

I saw my family doctor last week. He switched my depression meds from Celexa to Zoloft. I did really well on the Celexa, so I hope the Zoloft will do the same. I have to remember to ask the OB what he thinks in case I don't do so well on the Zoloft. What was a little disappointing was that the family doctor really wanted us to wait a while for the second child. But I really think that was just more of his preference, than his medical opinion. Hopefully my other doctors will be more supportive, because this is our family and a decision we made together.

Remember-for those on facebook-I will not be telling anyone!

Stay tuned, so much going on!

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

2010-06-23T21:29:00.003-04:00

I have been so bad about posting lately, I have got to start keeping up! Harlee darling turned 1, I can't believe my baby is growing up! She signs milk and now fish too, says momma, dadda, baby, ball, uh-oh, and oh wow! It is just so cute! She is learning so much. She loves going outside, daddy built her a swing set with a sand box, slide, tree house, and three swings and we go out every day it isn't raining.

****I need to go private in this blog for a little while, so PLEASE leave your email addy in the comments section so you can keep reading. I'll explain later.

Spring Is Here!

2010-04-01T18:47:00.005-04:00

We took Harlee to the park for the first time. Its only a few blocks away. This morning we didn't have much time, since I had to be to work, but at least she got about 15 minutes! She loved the swing and took about three trips down the slide. She was SO upset to go back in the stroller and go home. Tomorrow we are going to try to go earlier and play a bit longer. Its so nice to do things as a family, just the three of us. Those are special times!

This weekend Harlee goes to her first birthday party at a friend's house, and then Sunday is Easter. Hopefully I can get some pics on here soon, we forgot the camera for the first day at the park!

In The Clear

2010-03-11T18:01:00.002-05:00

We saw the allergist this week and had the skin prick test done for the most common food allergies and dust mites and dog and cat dander. Surprisingly all turned out negative! So glad we do not have to worry about food restrictions! He did say that if she breaks out again after eating wheat to bring her back and they would test again.

So later this weekend we will be trying cheese for the first time! Then a few days later some yogurt. She still likes her purees, but I am trying to get her to eat little bits of bananas and carrots. She has great pincer grasp, and loves picking up some gluten free O's that I found a few weeks ago.

We decided to finally put away the swing and the walker. We took down the mobile out of her crib about a month ago when she started to pull up. Its sad to put these "baby" things away, it means she is growing up! Where has the time gone? She is already 9 months old, has her two top teeth, waves and claps, crawls, cruises, babbles, and holds her own bottle.

We are slacking a bit on signing. I know we need to continue with adding more signs. She signed "milk" that one time, but that was it. Anything to ease the frustrations of communication would be great. She is beginning to throw more tantrums and I can see her personality coming out more each day.

Well hopefully if it isn't raining this weekend we can get out and get some fresh air. I can't wait to take Harlee for walks in the stroller when the weather stays nice! And if its raining, then I suppose we'll just play all day and maybe do some spring cleaning!

On the Move & Food Issues

2010-03-04T19:15:00.002-05:00

Well it took about 2 1/2 weeks from the time Harlee began to army crawl until she was crawling with her belly up off of the floor! She is a fast learner! As soon as she crawled, she was pulling up and cruising on the furniture! We strategically place the dining room chairs around the living and dining room so she can go from one to another. She is more interested in cruising than crawling. Our little girl is growing up so fast!

She is finally eating three meals a day and (4) 6oz bottles. She eats between 4 and 8 food cubes at each meal! Little piggy! Although I really have nothing to compare her to. I have no clue how much other kids eat! Still can't get her to eat turkey though. She knows its mixed into other foods and reaches in her mouth to pull out the meat fibers! She still is trying to get the hang of the sippy cup. We have been just putting water in it, but she doesn't get that you have to tip it back to get the water out! We started to give her some Cheerios, which she LOVED, but after eating them she broke out from head to toe. We saw our pediatrician, who sent us to a dermatologist. He thought it was just eczema, and had no connection to food. I find that very hard to believe. Her skin was fine before that, now we have tried three creams and her face, arms, and legs are still broke out. So we are going to get her allergy tested next week. I am relieved that we will finally have an idea of what she is allergic to. Scared to do it, but hopefully we will know our food options (or restrictions).

I hate leaving her every day to go to work. She is SO happy and smiley I just want to spend all day with her. She is just perfect and I feel so blessed to have her. Each day she learns new things, and I am just amazed watching her.

New Year

2010-01-01T20:40:00.002-05:00

So for this year I really started thinking about how I want to bring my daughter up (with my husband, of course.) What I mean is, what things do I want her to grow up doing and seeing us doing? What kinds of things that we don't currently do that I want to start doing?

1. Manners. Her vocabulary will be building this year. Both my husband and I are good with "please," "thank you," opening doors for people and such, but there are other things we need to work on. Road rage while driving: yeah, don't want Harlee to pick up on that. We are both guilty of that big time.

2. Recycling/Green Planet. We are in Michigan, so we always recycle cans and bottles to get our deposit back. And last year I started to set up bins in the basement for recycling glass, plastic, and cardboard. And we did empty them once. But its such a pain to drive into the (scary) city to the recycling center. We have to get better about that this year. I really want to think about everything we throw away-could it be recycled? I also bought reusable bags for the grocery store, but I need to get better about using them every time. I need to buy another set for the other car, so we have no excuse. And I need to remember to take them into department stores, the pharmacy, the pet store, and other "non-grocery" stores.

3. Eating better. For now we are doing good, for her. I make all her baby food from scratch. But her Daddy and I need to eat better ourselves. Lead by example. I know she won't eat things if she doesn't see us eating them. Also, this will help me in turn by keeping my weight on track.

4. Getting rid of clutter. Get rid of stuff we don't use. I have sooooo many boxes and bins in the basement and attic and most of it is stuff we haven't used in over a year. And if you haven't used it in over a year, its time for it to go. Exceptions are Harlee's baby toys/clothes and my yearbooks, albums, letter jackets and such from my younger years. I don't want her growing up learning to accumulate stuff. Give away to someone who can use it, sell it, or throw it out!

5. Making the most out of every day. Living every day and having fun. Yes, I am guilty of that. All my friends in school called me "the serious one." My husband calls me a fuddy-duddy (if that's even a word). Its not that I can't enjoy myself and have fun, I just am not prone to silliness and nonsense. I tend to want to "get things done" and feel overwhelmed with time constraints. I need to try to enjoy more moments each day.

So what are all of you thinking about for the New Year?

Christmas

2009-12-25T19:25:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas to all my bloggy readers. My husband and I both had to work on Christmas day, but we got to spend Christmas Eve just the three of us. Yes, we spoiled Harlee for her first Christmas. Santa was good to her, we now have so many toys there is nowhere to put them all!

I am still having a very hard time. We are finally putting Harlee in her own crib at night. Using a modified version of CIO, cry it out, she was supposed to be peacefully sleeping by about ten days into it. Again, that is for normal babies. Not our difficult one. She still screams bloody murder for 1 to 2 hrs until she finally falls asleep. We check on her at regular intervals, increasing the amount of time after each check. A few nights DH and I both have fallen asleep with her still screaming. I'm tired. I need sleep too.

And now she refuses to even open her mouth for any food of any kind. What a waste of my time getting everything all ready. What a waste of me even taking all that time to even make all her food. Silly me, what was I thinking? What am I supposed to do? That stupid Nutramigen is SO darned expensive, I really didn't want her on that beyond age 1.

She's just never happy around me. I get so mad. I have her on the weekends until DH gets home about 3pm. Her face just likes up and she runs in her walker right over to the door to see him. Grrr. How come she never does that to me? How come her face never lights up when she's with me? He just says she's a daddy's girl and if we ever have a boy, then the boy will run to momma. I disagree. IF we were ever to get pregnant again, I'm sure we'd just end up with another girl to go running to daddy. IF we managed to get a boy, he'd just run to him too. I'm doomed no matter what. My kid doesn't even like me.

The good days are so few and far between. Why do we have way more bad than good days? Maybe me being a mother just wasn't meant to be. Why is my kid SO difficult?

Loving My Baby

2009-11-16T17:46:00.002-05:00

I finally am falling completely in love with my Harlee. Not that I didn't love her before, but things are different now.

The first four months were hard. As you can tell by the absence of posts. I was just trying to make it through another day. Babies with colic, allergies, crying-no I mean screaming, are just very difficult. Until you've been there you have no clue. I was in my primary care doctor's office one day and had Harlee with me. The receptionist had asked if she was a good baby and I proceeded to tell her what she was really like. And then she said, "Oh, honey I know what its like. I wanted to hang my son on the ceiling fan and spin it around." Yes, sounds grim. But we chuckled. She knew, she really knew. Only someone with a colicky baby would say that.

Just last week I was able to hold my Harlee facing me, her head nuzzled up to my neck, and rock her to sleep in the rocking chair. And tears were rolling down my face. I had never been able to hold her like that, to rock and comfort her. This was the moment I so longed for. Five months and it finally happened. This was THE moment for me.

My husband and I are dealing much better with the screaming. It is less frequent, but still ear-piercing. I think we are just becoming immune, tolerant, or whatever. We know she's getting better, its just that we dealt with so much of it, now every scream is one too many.

We planned on having her sleep in her own crib. Which worked for a while. Till I became paranoid of something happening to her (like not breathing) and kept checking on her a billion times. So for now she sleeps in her crib until about midnight when we go to bed and then she sleeps with us until she wakes up about 6am. I feel closer having her between us. And she has scared me a few times, choking in the night. But I bolt up, and get her back to sleep, knowing if she was in her own room I might not have heard her.

She is learning so much these days. You can see the wheels turning in her little head. Every day, she concentrates on a new skill, a new toy. The smiles are plentiful, and for a moment I forget the four months of hell. She is mesmerized by the cats and the dog, and as they walk in front of her, she stops whatever she is doing to follow them. She is not yet sitting up on her own, still face plants, but she's getting better. We fed her some rice cereal this morning for the first time. I think she did pretty good for a first try and mommy can't wait to try more. She figured out last week how to actually jump in her Jumperoo, and it is hilarious to watch her go crazy! She still doesn't like tummy time much but bath time is always her favorite-kicking and splashing away!

I promise to be better with posting. Now that my spirits are up, there's so much to share about my little pumpkin, my Squishy, my Harlee.

Milk Allergy

2009-09-29T17:25:00.002-04:00

Oy. I am such a bad blogger. I never have time to do anything that takes more than 5 minutes at a time! Sigh.

I took Harlee to the pediatrician's last week for an ear infection. The whole time we were there, she screamed non stop bloody murder. The doctor asked if she was still like that all the time. "Uh-yeah. Three months has come and gone and she's still screaming. Not crying, screaming." Then I, yes I, asked if there was a test they could do to see if she had a milk allergy. The pediatrician says "Oh, we didn't do that already?" NO! So she tests her and finds blood in her stool, which is indicative of a milk allergy. Great. Three and a half months we were giving our baby breastmilk and formula that was causing her pain. Poor DH and I felt awful. She was put on Nutramigen right away and we saw a world of a difference. No gas. Our baby was smiling-all the time. She was happy. Cooing and babbling non-stop. Is this what our baby was supposed to be doing all along? It was very evident to us that she clearly needs to stay on the Nutramigen. I only hope she continues to improve.

Formula

2009-08-31T19:01:00.002-04:00

I did it. I gave her the first bottle of formula yesterday. And I feel SO much better. Yesterday I decided to stop pumping and slowly introduce more feedings of formula. She ate a little, then stopped and screamed at me as if to say, "What are you doing? This doesn't taste like breast milk?" But she eventually ate it just fine. It felt good not to stress over "Oh its time to pump, but I can't because she's screaming." I didn't worry about pumping at any particular time yesterday, and the freedom felt good. Now of course, I did pump a few times to relieve the painful engorgement, but just when it got bad.

Today, I changed my mind. I won't stop pumping completely, but will pump when I feel like it. I feel okay giving her formula as much as I need to. I need to remind myself that formula is not the anti-Christ. It was just stressing me out SO much. Pumping takes SO much time, and Harlee is a very needy baby. I get so stressed when I am tied to the pump and can't pick her up and soothe her (which of course, makes her scream louder).

So for now she will continue to get pumped breast milk at daycare and the sitter's. We will give formula when we want to at home when she is with us. I currently have a month's supply of breast milk in the deep freeze, so whenever I decide I am done, we still have that to use up.

Giving formula is not what I had planned, but I realize sometimes that my own mental health is more important. I don't want to beat myself up anymore over making sure every feeding is breast milk. Its okay, as long as she's fed something, she should turn out just fine.

Is the Worst Over?

2009-08-08T16:48:00.010-04:00

Now that we are having less stressful days, we are doing more fun things. We decided to try out her doorway jumper. We stuffed about 4 rolled up receiving blankets around her to fill in the gaps, but she loved it. I know she is still pretty young for it, and it may be a while before she gets the hang of it, but she loves movement so much we just had to try it out! And DH was so excited when the other day she rolled from her stomach to her back! He had her on the ottaman and luckily caught her really quickly!

It seems that her colic has peaked around 6-7 weeks and it is finally getting better. I never thought we'd get there. The medications never helped. We are still using the Colic Calm, and I think it has made a huge difference. We give it to her every day about 3 times. The only bad thing is that it turns everything black, so if she spits up or has a leaky diaper, I have to be quick with the stain removal. But it has controlled the screaming, so I'll not be complaining.

I have to say, even though her colic isn't totally gone at 8 weeks, that it has to be the worst thing some parents have to go through. I was in tears most days. Poor DH even cried-and the only other time I have ever seen his eyes mist over was when she was born. Colic kills your nerves, your sanity, and tests you to the max. I am fortunate we have great parents who rescued us many times, but I realize I should have called them more. When you wish to become parents, no one ever warns you that your child might scream non-stop, and sometimes you'd wonder why you ever wanted kids. You'd wish for the stork to come back and claim the child that clearly couldn't be yours. What did we do to deserve this? Nothing, it just happens, and for the most part there is nothing to make it better. You just trudge through and hope it doesn't scar any of you for life.

Back to Work

2009-07-28T19:52:00.005-04:00

Here are Harlee's first "nice" pictures. We had some friends of ours who are starting a photography business come to our house...three times. Ear piercing screaming Harlee just didn't want anything to do with capturing memories! We finally got one hour of quietness. Hopefully we can get more as the months go on. These were taken at five weeks.

Well here I am going on my second week back to work. (Working full time and being a new mom leaves little blogging time!) The second week is much easier than the first. The first day back I cried in the car the whole way to work. It was very hard. Once I got there, I had so much to do the day flew by. Between pumping four times at work, and remembering to eat and drink lots of water, the day was over before I knew it. I am very fortunate that I have my own office with a locking door and blinds, so no one really bothers me. Day two I cried when I had to leave her at daycare for the first time. But after that I was okay. I still hate to leave her. Its been hard for me leaving her with well meaning relatives, they just don't follow instructions very well. I feel more comfortable leaving her at daycare for the two days we have to since I know they feed her right and know what they are doing. DH feels just the opposite-he'd rather she is with relatives. The good news about going back to work is that I am 99.99% sure I will be laid off again in October for about a year. That makes me VERY happy that I get to stay home with Harlee and draw unemployment.

Harlee is on yet another medication we are trying, this time Prevacid. So far I am not impressed. She still spits up an awful lot and the screaming has yet to let up. I will call tomorrow to let them know, I think the next thing is Axid. I need to ask about trying to add a tad of cereal, I'll try anything. We also ordered Colic Calm (a specialty gripe water) and hopefully that will be here by the end of the week. My dad and stepmom have been SO wonderful coming over many times when we are both in tears and at our wits end from her screaming. I never imagined it would be this bad. Or that it even could be this bad.

Oh-and last Friday I got my stupid AF back-ugh. So much for breastfeeding keeping it away. I should have known. Yep, body still doesn't work right!

No More Time Off

2009-07-18T13:16:00.005-04:00

So we did manage to capture a few smiles on camera the other day. The other day she woke up and found her voice! Now she makes little coos, oohs, and ahhs. So she can actually do something other than scream, that is nice to know!

This is her wrapped in her Miracle Blanket. Now all we have to do is just start to wrap her up and she quiets down right away. Sometime between 6 and 8 pm she starts to get fussy, so we feed and change her and wrap her up, give her the pacifier and place in her crib. Usually she will fall asleep within a half an hour. Daytime is another story though. This kid never naps! She is anything but normal.

I go back to work Monday. Some days I can't wait, since she screams almost all the time. Even when she is in the rare moment of silence, I close my eyes and I hear her screaming. I cry a lot. Other times, I get upset at the thought that I have to go back, I know I will miss her, even though she screams. I wish I could stay home.

The meds are definitely not working. We don't go back until July 28th, so I will ask what else they can give her. How can one kid possibly scream that much? And hardly sleep?

I wish I could just give her formula. But its too expensive, and I'd just feel guilty about yet another thing. I hate pumping. I will never get more than four hours of sleep at a time. For a whole year. Ugh. I can't go longer, because I start to hurt. I swear I smell like sour milk all the time. I hate it.

Yeh-I'm having a horrible day today. She wouldn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time last night. Woke up screaming to eat. I tried to get a shower, couldn't even stay in long enough to shave my legs. I am wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. In July. Oh well at least its overcast and I won't sweat to death. I don't know if I'll ever have another kid.

One Month

2009-07-10T04:19:00.005-04:00

This was at one week. She's so skinny!

This is two weeks.

Three weeks.

Four weeks.

My baby is one month old! Ahh! She is already growing out of newborn sized clothes and is moving into the 0-3 month sizes. She was up to 8lbs 9oz and was 21 inches long at our one month appointment. Growing like crazy! She is holding her head up for even longer periods of time now and is beginning to track objects with her eyes. She has quite a little belly on her and eats great. She pretty much gets all pumped breast milk in bottles now, as the breast feeding just wasn't going so well. But, as long as she gets it, it doesn't really matter how.

We finally broke down and took Harlee to the pediatrician to see if they could help with her constant screaming. The whole office felt so bad for us, she screamed the whole time we were there. There must have been five other infants in the waiting room, all were quiet except our screaming one. The pediatrician said she definitely has colic, bad. She said her stomach may be spasming too much and gave us a medicine called hyoscyamine to calm the spasms. It also has a mild sedative effect, so maybe she would sleep a bit more too. (Who said babies were supposed to sleep like 12 hrs a day? Not ours. We're lucky if its a total of 7.) She even had another pediatrician come talk to us too, I pretty much was in tears because I was so upset from her constant screaming. They reassured me that we are doing everything we can, and yes, she really is a difficult baby and I'm not just a wimpy first time mom. If the medicine doesn't work, we are supposed to call back. The pediatrician was so nice, she even said if the screaming is too much to handle, to drop her off at the office for a few hours and they would watch her! Wow! So far we have used the meds for two days and it has made a world of a difference. She actually sleeps! And the crying is down to a minimum. And its not the shrieking screams, it is just fussy normal decibel level tolerable crying. Hope it keeps working. I am sending the pediatrician a thank you note!

Time is Flying By

2009-07-04T22:54:00.007-04:00

We have been a family of three for almost one month now. The time has flown by. I was reviewing pictures on the camera today and realized we need to take far more of the everyday moments with our beautiful baby. She is growing so fast. I was in tears just looking back at the pictures from her first few days to how big she is now.

This pink outfit was actually a preemie size. Those first 2 weeks or so, she couldn't fit into any of her newborn stuff. My mom and DH's mom went out and got a few things for her to wear, although many things were too short. I just had a long skinny baby!

This is her first little newborn sized dress she got to wear! She fell asleep like that on DH's lap.

Harlee and I at a relative's. This was our first road trip, unfortunately Daddy had to work. But Harlee got tons of attention from all her relatives.

This was Fourth of July. I was going to get a picture without the tacky pacifier clip, but when we got home she had a major diaper blowout, so I'll have to do some laundry and get some more pics later on.

So how is life now? Crazy fast. I swear all I do is feed the kiddo! For now I am pumping 95% of the time and just breast feeding when we feel like it. She is happy, and gaining weight, so I feel ok with that. We have had a few nights where she has slept for 3 1/2 hrs, which is better than her 2hrs in the beginning. I am learning to let her sleep as long as she wants and be ready to feed her as soon as she wakes up. We have well meaning parents wanting to come over pretty much every day, and I treasure the days we have no visitors. I want to cherish these new moments with just us. I only have 2 and a half weeks left until I have to return to work, and I am dreading it. I wish I could just be a stay at home mom, but not in this day and age.

Oh-we got the DVD "The Happiest Baby on the Block." What a difference it has made! Her crying can actually be stopped! Those total meltdowns that consisted of hours of inconsolable crying are pretty much gone. I only wish we had it for the first 3 weeks! She still doesn't sleep much and is still fussy in general, but as long as the hours of screaming are gone, I can handle it. This is definitely something I will give as a gift to all new mothers I know.

Confessions of a New Mom

2009-06-29T14:11:00.002-04:00

I truly hate breast feeding. It hurts. Takes too much time. My baby doesn't stare at my face longingly. Its super messy. Ugh. But I keep plugging along. Harlee gets an awful lot of pumped breast milk in bottles, but at least she gets it. The only reason I keep going is because I know breast milk is the best for her, and we definitely can't afford to buy formula. It is just so hard. The lactation consultant at the hospital said her latch was good and she was doing great, but I am beginning to think otherwise. She hyperventilates, rips her head side to side, and pulls away about a dozen times in one feeding. So frustrating. I know my letdown is fast, but she has no trouble sucking down those bottles in less than 10 minutes. If I breastfeed her, she feeds for like a half an hour, pulls away, and falls asleep. Then I move to lay her down and she screams to eat again. She dribbles everywhere. I really don't know if that is something she will grow out of or what. I have two really nice nursing shirts, but no matter what I do, they still get all wet when she eats. When she drinks a bottle, I swear she drips half of it out the side of her mouth. She is always trying to get her hands in her mouth while she is eating too. I have tried everything-positions, swaddling with arms in, out, naked, etc. Nothing makes any of it any better. Please tell me it gets better.

I am a horrible mom. I left my crying screaming baby in her crib for an hour and a half the other day. I couldn't take it. I was crying and she was screaming. She had been fed, changed, swaddled, rocked, bounced, had gas drops etc. and just wouldn't stop crying. I laid her in her crib and closed the door. And waited. Why has everything been going so well, and it seems I end up with the colicky baby? I wondered if she could cry herself to sleep. An hour and a half of muffled screams later, all was quiet. Great, only another half hour and I knew she was due to be fed. Well I let her sleep for about 3 hours, just so I could have a bit of sanity. It breaks my heart to hear her cry and not be able to fix it. I go crazy.

I love my daughter so much, but sometimes I wish I could go back to work early. Awful, I know. Its just too much listening to her uncontrollable screaming. She has a few good days, and then a slew of rough ones. Its just enough for me to keep plugging along. Are all babies like this or did I just get difficult one?

Harlee's Birth Story

2009-06-25T18:49:00.003-04:00

Harlee Anne was born Tuesday June 9th at 1:33pm. 6lbs, 9oz 19.5 inches long. Apgar scores of 9 each time. I woke up at 6:30am and had mild contractions. Thought-eh, here we go again-this had been going on for days. Immediately I sat on my exercise/birth ball and made large circles with my hips and when the contractions got painful I bounced up and down-hard (let's shake that baby down!) I yelled and cried and let it out but got through them. I remembered my Hypnobabies scripts and “imagined my baby sliding quickly and easily down the birth canal.” At 9:30am I figured I better get a shower in case this was it. After my shower I woke up DH (he was mad I had let him sleep for three hrs, but hey he's a grump in the morning. I still have no clue how he slept through all my yelling!) He began timing them and got excited. I remained reserved (yes I'm pessimistic) that it just would fizzle. He timed them for 20 minutes each hour-they just got closer. DH got really excited and was running all over frazzled, packing last minute items. I had to remind him to feed our pets about four times.

I knew I wanted to stay home as long as possible, but really, how do you know how long to wait? Well I waited till they averaged. 1 1/2 to 2 min. apart and we drove 10min. to the hospital. I think we left the house at about noon. The car ride just intensified the contractions. I was still in denial-thinking that this can’t be it, I can’t really be having a baby today. DH got a security person to bring a wheelchair to the car and bring me inside while he parked and brought in our bags. I waited forever in the emergency check in. Apparently I must not have looked like I was in active labor. A nurse finally asked when I was due, and I could barley yell “Overdue!”

I was promptly whisked to L&D triage where a resident doc checked me and said I was 6cm, and 100%. Woohoo! They quickly moved me to a labor room, by then my sis had arrived and helped DH lug all our gear to the new room. Contractions were getting very intense. I sat on my ball while DH sat on the edge of the bed and held me up while the nurses filled out paperwork and asked annoying questions. I don’t think the air worked in the room and by this time my whole body was DRENCHED in sweat. They had a hard time finding her heart tones and kept wanting me to lie down in the bed, and finally said I HAD to. By then I was SCREAMING my head off-they hurt so bad. Everything became very fuzzy and I began to blank out. I said-“OK you win-give me drugs now in an IV!” (remember I said no IV!) They kept saying –“Ok it'll be a few minutes.” I thought I seriously would DIE from that pain. How could anyone live through this? Then I screamed-“Bring me an epidural NOW! Hurry!” The woman said “Ok but we have to get you completely checked in before they can authorize it-it will be about 20 more minutes.” Lady-I'm going to pass out here-Now, now, now! I was in SO much pain. Finally someone had the sense to check me again-and low and behold I was complete and ready to push.

After they checked me I felt a big gush and I knew my water had broke. By this time they had the IV line in but nothing was ever put in it. She says, ”Its too late now-you can't have anything.” I kinda panic, but hey she said I'm ready to push and before they were even set up, with each contraction. I was gently grunting that baby down. The last time I looked at the clock it was 1311, and she was born at 1333, so I think I pushed for 22 minutes. My doc didn't make it in time-they had so many people in the room the on call doc at the hospital was rushed in. At the last sec, Mr. Meanie doc from my practice "caught" the baby (thankfully he was totally polite and nice that day for once). Pushing was...the easy part. There was no "ring of fire". I kept thinking-are you sure she's right there? cause I don't feel like it. I felt her head with my finger-still thinking there's no way this baby is gonna fit! Once I really pushed I knew I peed all over-it just came out. I heard them say they wanted to cath me (I did not want) and they kept saying oh it won't hurt it won't hurt-yeah right! I kept screaming at the lady-“Its hurting you lied! Stop stop!” My sister said they just gave up cause the contractions were coming so fast. I pushed so hard I thought I hope this is it cause I just don't have anymore in me. Once her head was out, the rest just slid out. Mr. Meanie doc even remembered DH wanted to cut the cord, and without skipping a beat, he handed the scissors over to DH. She was put on my belly for a few minutes, but had a lot of fluid in her lungs so she was taken straight across from me to the warmer for evaluation. Sis went with baby and DH stayed holding my leg. It was only a matter of a few minutes and they said the placenta was coming, and to give a little push. Easy peasy (that part). I ended up with a second degree midline tear (not bad I suppose...) The doc proceeded to sew me up-said the numbing medicine would help. OK-I don't know if that syringe had saline in it or what-but I felt every stitch with that "hook". I kept saying "owe, owe, owe" I swear he took forever. Then I started shaking uncontrollably, which they said was from the hormones and was normal. Finally a nurse cleaned me up and baby was brought over to me. A neonatologist was brought in first to deep suction her, since she didn't spend enough time being squeezed in the birth canal. Then they had to get her temp up a bit. I attempted to breast feed, that was very heartbreaking-she just wouldn't suck. I cried. We held her and stayed in that room for an hour before we were moved to a postpartum room. It took two more tries at BFing, but she finally latched on in the side lying position.

We were discharged about 30 hrs after she was born. It would have been sooner, but the pediatrician apparently forgot about us. I was very pleased with the way everything went. I doubted myself the whole time, mainly because I knew everyone else doubted me too. But I did it, we did it. Just how I wanted. We are now a family of three, and I am in total awe of this wonderful miracle God has given us.

One Week Old

2009-06-16T04:22:00.005-04:00

Gosh, one week already! That flew by! I can't believe she's ours. It hasn't fully sank in yet. We have had a few rough nights already that have left all of us in tears. I was totally determined to only breastfeed until 4 weeks, then introduce bottles of breast milk. Well, I gave in the other night. She would not stay latched on, was hyperventilating, gagging and was so upset and frustrated nothing would calm her down. I decided that it had gone on too long. I knew she was starving and DH and I were at our wits end. I pumped into a bottle and DH gave it to her. Magic-happy quiet baby. She got 2 more that night. It was not what I wanted, but I am learning to do what makes my baby happy, not what all the books say to do. A plus side was that it gave my poor sore nipples a break too. I was so afraid she wouldn't take the breast after that, but we haven't had any problems going back and forth, thank goodness.

DH and I just can't stop staring at her and are amazed at how beautiful she is. Perfect in every way. DH is just absolutely the best husband and father. I am amazed at how attentive he is to Harlee and me. I feel very grateful, after seeing how many new mothers were on their own up at the hospital.

She had her first pediatrician visit yesterday. Harlee grew a half an inch and lost another ounce! She was down to 6lbs, 6oz when we left the hospital, and yesterday was down to 6lbs, 5 oz. The doctor was not concerned at all, she has had more than enough wet and dirty diapers, so she is eating well. This even made me feel less guilty about giving a few bottles, as long as she gets the breast milk, it doesn't really matter how she gets it. She goes back in a week for a weight check just to make sure she comes back up to her birth weight.

Yes, she cried the whole time, but we expected that. She hates to be naked, and cries when we need to change her clothes. Her cord fell off on day 4, so we couldn't wait to try her first bath!

Here she is in her bouncer. Some nights this is the only thing that quiets the screaming. DH or I sit on the couch and bounce it hard with our feet. The vibration feature doesn't do much for her.

Her first car ride. She does great, loves her carseat. She instantly falls asleep.

She loves her swing too. Sister Kola loves to watch her, although the dog has been bopped in the face a few times from the motion of the swing. Kola follows Harlee from room to room, and seems to be adjusting great. The cats however are another story. Brandi, the shy skittish one, has totally surprised me. I figured Harlee would be 2 yrs old before she ever even approached her, but she has come right up and sniffed her and has been very friendly. Belle, my cat who is the boss of the house, inspects every person, bag, and oversees all activities in our house has turned cold. She will have nothing to do with me, hisses and spats if I even pick her up. She is so mad at me. I just watch her like a hawk because when she is in the same room as the baby as she is very uneasy.

I hope the nights will get easier. And I hope this "baby brain" thing goes away. I can't remember anything. DH and I get our sentences all twisted up. I know part of it is from being sleep deprived, but I have to let go of being a control freak too. DH has to go back to work this Friday and I know it will be hard for all of us. A few more days we all can enjoy together.

Well, off to catch a nap while she sleeps. I am working on the birth story, its coming.

She's Here!

2009-06-11T21:09:00.007-04:00

Harlee Anne was born 6-9-09 at 1:33pm. She was 6lbs 9oz, 19.5 inches long. Apgar scores of 9 each time. All natural-no drugs. Total time in labor was 7 hrs, went to the hospital for the last 1 and a half hours, and only pushed for 20 minutes! Went very well, birth story to follow as soon as I have some free time. I cannot possibly be any happier!

40w2d, Losing It

2009-06-07T09:22:00.002-04:00

I spend the majority of my days bawling my eyes out. I am a nervous wreck. I can't help it. Serious anxiety and depression are setting in. Headaches and a queasy stomach plague my waking hours. I just want her to be here. I have nightmares where horrible awful things happen and she doesn't make it. She moves much less these days, and when I am a nervous wreck I poke her and she take a while to move back. We have to wait all the way until Wednesday for the next appointment, which I do not feel one bit comfortable with. That's a whole week from the last one. Anything could happen.

We have waited much longer than 9 months for this. The entire time I have been pregnant I have worried, and worried, and worried. Would we really make it to the end? Would I get to hold my baby? Now that the end is here and I know she is fully developed I wish things would show some progress. I just want it to be over.

People just keep saying, "She'll come when she's ready. Be patient." But suffering through infertility is no picnic, and in an odd way, these last few days are proving to be the very hardest for me.

40w, Where's Baby?

2009-06-05T04:32:00.002-04:00

Still not here, obviously. She is already being stubborn like her momma, doing things her way, not listening to others. Hehe! I knew she'd be late, everyone else insisted she'd be early. Just like how I knew she was a girl and everyone thought boy. Momma knows best.

The ultrasound yesterday was interesting. The doctors have been so worried she was on the small side all along, and all of a sudden now is up to 7lbs 15oz! What happened? If I go 2 more weeks how much bigger will she get? Yikes! Yes I know they can be off by a pound either way, but still! Its hard to believe she is that big, my belly just doesn't look big enough to hold a practically 8lb baby! Let's hope they estimated high.

DH's father is arriving tomorrow from out of state and will be staying a week. Luckily my mom is having him stay with her just down the street, so we can still have some space. He will be here for a little over a week. I am just afraid Harlee won't be here by the time he leaves! I'll feel so bad!

So for now I suppose we wait. And wait. I am still paranoid that something will happen to our baby. I just want to hold her and know our long journey is over and she is okay. That will be the one moment I have waited for forever.

39w5d, Mad

2009-06-03T18:23:00.003-04:00

Mad, frustrated, upset, a crying hormonal mess. That's how I feel today. We went to see Mr. Meanie OB today and the appointment did not go how I wanted. Nurse asked if I wanted the doc to do an exam to see how far I was and I said "Well I was hoping he could strip my membranes today." She said Dr. Meanie doesn't do that, but the other two do. I have the best luck don't I? So I said "No, no exam if he's not going to do that, there is no point, no thanks." I was placed on the monitors and left for like a half an hour till the OB finally arrived (late lunch?). He only saw one time her heart rate went up and down, and they like to see at least two in 20 minutes. He returns with what he calls "juice" (a Hi-C juice box) and has me drink that. I lie there for another 20 minutes or so before he returns and says she looks fine. Measures belly, but never even feels for her presenting body part to even see if she is head down still or in a favorable position. Says he'll send me for an ultrasound, the biophysical profile, to check on her growth. He goes on and on about the BPP and what it is and why they do it, like I am some dummy who has no clue. Whatever, just shut up-good grief. Hubby is rolling his eyes. He hands me my exit paperwork and it says to see him next week. Great. I am crumbling inside. I ask if then he will strip membranes and he goes into this whole lecture about how we can discuss it then but he doesn't do it. I check out at the front and the receptionist asks if everything is alright. No, its not.

I break down in the car. I am tired of being pregnant. I want MY favorite doctor, not this asshole (yes, I swore, that's how much I can't stand him). I am 2 days away from my due date and he won't strip my membranes, not even at the next appointment. Ugh. I would at least like to do that before you stick me with needles and pump me full of drugs! DH convinces me to call the office and ask to be seen by one of the other two OBs. I call, ask, and get put on hold. And then I get set up with my favorite OB. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't handle the stress of Mr. Meanie any more.

My ultrasound is tomorrow, I'm sure it will go fine. Then I go to my nice OB on Wednesday so we'll see how things go then. I just know this baby is going to be very late.

38w, Getting Nervous

2009-05-22T13:59:00.003-04:00

So this is me at 38 weeks! Yikes! We are getting so close. I am starting to freak out. Can I really do this? Will I really be a...mommy? It is so weird that something we have waited so long for is now so near. I still have a hard time believing it, even though I still feel Harlee kicking every now and then. Yesterday I think I had a bit of a panic attack-this just feels like someone else's life. I have everything pretty much all set, the clothes are washed, carseats installed, house is cleaned. Now we just wait. Please tell me I can do this. I really want this birth to go smoothly all natural. Without needles and without drugs. Breathe, breathe...

36w6d, In the Clear

2009-05-14T20:15:00.002-04:00

Today I found out I passed the GBS test! Yipee! No need for needles during delivery! I am SO relieved. Although this morning when we went to my appointment I was not feeling so fantastic. I was burning up, felt like I was going to pass out. And then we're sitting in the waiting room and DH notices my feet. They were gray, looked like dead people's feet. Not swollen or painful or cold, just looking dead. The doctor wasn't too concerned but said if it spreads up my legs to go to the ER right away. Also had protein in my urine, but I guess until it happens a few times in a row they don't worry.

Still feeling pretty uncomfortable. Can't sit for very long because then my back starts hurting. So the couch, bed, and my exercise ball are the best things. Then I try to lay down, and the heartburn is so bad I feel like I am breathing fire. I know the end is in sight, but it still feels like forever away.

I am trying to get all the last minute things done. I swear I make lists every day because I forget everything, but I am paranoid I'll forget to do some big thing before the baby gets here. I hope DH finishes our bedroom here fast so we can paint it and put the house back together. There is still drywall dust everywhere and we are currently sleeping in the only clean room in the house, the nursery. I hate disorganization. And dust. Hurry honey, we're running out of time!

36w, Birth Plan

2009-05-08T20:33:00.003-04:00

Today I had the GBS test which I am praying comes back negative. I've been using the Hibiclens wash for 2 weeks now, so we'll see if it helped at all. This is the last hurdle I need to get over in order to have a "needle free birth."

We also presented our birth plan to the group of OBs today. The reaction was...fair I suppose. He came to the part about no IV or Heparin lock and asked what the reasoning was behind that. I started to explain that IVs and Hep locks cause me an extreme amount of pain (yes, more than normal people) and anxiety and I did not wish to have all that during my birthing time. The doctor immediately cuts me off and starts to lecture me about the importance of having the Heparin lock, to which I started to shake my head in disagreement and speak my mind. He said in this strange condescending weird tone, "Don't shake your head at me, please." Like I was a child or some idiot who had no clue what he was talking about. I bit my tongue and waited to see how this played out. (Although I really wanted to choke him.) I let him speak his mind and then I calmly explained that we were aware of the risks and understand his concerns, but it was our decision not to have an IV or even a Heparin lock. End of discussion. I waited for him to review the other 3/4 of the birth plan he had yet to get to, fearing what else he would make a big deal out of, but to my surprise, he said the rest was good. We parted on happy terms, but as my husband and I got to the car we said we will do what ever it takes to stick to our plan, even if we must become adamant about not getting a Hep lock and demand another doctor.

This is what we gave to him:

Our Birth Plan

My goal is to deliver my baby as safely and naturally as possible without medical interventions unless the benefits outweigh the risks. I believe I am responsible for making my birth experience a positive, safe experience, and I plan to participate along with my husband and my care providers in making decisions about my labor, delivery, and postpartum care. Listed below are my birth preferences; I understand that final decisions about my care will be discussed and agreed upon in the birthing room with my well-being and the safe delivery of my baby as the most important considerations. I agree to sign consent forms for those “routine” procedures I opt against.

Birth Preferences:

Labor:
I do not wish to have an IV, Heparin lock, or any blood work drawn.
Pain medication: none preferred
Membranes: allow to rupture naturally, even when dilation nears 10cm
Small amounts of food and water, as long as tolerated
Movement: be encouraged to freely move and walk around
Electronic fetal monitoring: external and only for initial 20 min strip, after that I would prefer intermittent Doppler monitoring

Delivery:
Position: I would like to deliver in whatever position feels most comfortable at the time.
Perineum care: no episiotomy unless absolutely necessary. I would like a care provider to apply warm washcloths or compresses to my perineum throughout the pushing stage.
Actual birth: I want to breathe and push my baby out-I don’t want my baby pulled out in any way.
Umbilical cord: clamped after it has stopped pulsing, father will cut it.
Following delivery: Immediate and prolonged skin-to-skin contact between mother and baby and immediate attempt at breastfeeding to promote natural delivery of the placenta.
Newborn screening/testing/vitals: we would like weighing of baby and footprints to be postponed several minutes; we refuse any silver nitrate or antibiotic ointments being placed in baby’s eyes and any drawing of baby’s blood. Baby will not receive vitamin K shot or Hepatitis vaccinations.

Postpartum:
We do not wish to have uterine massage; to be done only if excessive bleeding occurs.
Baby is to remain in room with mother, if baby needs to leave for any testing, father will accompany baby at all times.
Feeding: Baby is to be exclusively breastfed. No bottles of any supplements or formula.
We wish to be discharged as soon as mother and baby are ready.

In the case of a complication which requires emergency care, we ask that our care providers still do their best to accommodate as many of our preferences as possible. We would only want our baby to be born via cesarean section in the case of an absolute emergency, and we realize that this would necessitate mom being given general anesthesia; dad would like to be present during surgery. In the case of a medical problem with baby after birth, dad and/or mom would like to be present with baby at all times, during all procedures.

Thank You, Staff

We realize that some of our choices in childbirth aren’t common in a hospital setting, and we thank the OB staff for respecting our wishes. We have had positive experiences with Hurley Hospital regarding this pregnancy, and look forward to having a wonderful positive birth experience. Our basic wish is that we’d like nature to take its course with the labor and delivery of our baby and only intervene with medical technology should a complication arise.

34w6d, Free Time

2009-04-30T18:54:00.002-04:00

Well tomorrow is my last day of work. I am being laid off. It is not a total surprise, but when it happens to you, it takes a while to really sink in. I am a contract worker for GM, we knew cuts were coming, but not this deep. I am laid off starting May4th through the end of the month. We are supposed to return June 1st. That is IF our plant doesn't close and GM's June 1st deadline doesn't bring even more shocking news.

I cleaned out my office today. Weird loading all my stuff into a box. Tomorrow we had planned a lunch for someone's birthday and someone who is leaving the company and moving out of state. In reality it will be the last time we are all together for one last good time. I have a great shift, and am proud to say I have some of the best officers here. I'll miss them I'm sure.

I am entering a great big black hole of uncertainty. Will we really come back on June 1st? I am extremely doubtful. Its not the being off for 4 weeks that worries me, its not knowing if we have a job after that.

There is a plus to this. I'll have a few weeks off before I deliver, and be able to collect unemployment, which is way more than if my doctor took me off of work and I had to get short term disability.

What on earth will I do with my time? Go visit grandma, I'm sure. She loves to have lunch and play cards all day, and she's not far away. I'm sure I'll have plenty of "nesting time" getting the house cleaned and organized before the baby comes. And maybe I'll even cook DH a meal. I'm such a bad wife, I haven't had the energy too make him anything in over 6 months. We just fend for ourselves. Not like I eat much anyways.

I think I'll need to make myself a schedule of some sort. Otherwise I'll turn into a couch potato and start watching mindless daytime soaps and staying on the computer all day.

*For those of you readers who don't know, I live in Michigan. There are literally NO jobs out there. Hundreds of qualified people apply for single openings, basically all I can do is wait and see what happens. Please God, see us through this time of uncertainty.

34w2d, Shower Pictures

2009-04-26T12:46:00.003-04:00

My mom and me-yeah the date on the camera wasn't set right again, sorry. It was actually April 4th. My mom is wearing one of the pins my sis made for everyone-little pea pods!

Here is the cake my mother in law made!

My sister made these adorable cupcakes. The pea pods are green Skittles and Air Heads.

Just a few of the cute wrapped gifts!

My sis made the diaper cake too!

There are lots more pictures, but my sister and aunt took them, and I'm not quite sure what happened to them. Everything was super nice. We had about 25 people squished in my house, but we had just enough room. We received just about everything off of our registries. And Harlee got TONS of clothes. I shouldn't have to buy much until she gets into 12 month sizes!

33w, The Nursery is Done!

2009-04-17T15:17:00.004-04:00

This is the door to the attic. The swing will be put in the dining room eventually, but for now it sits here.

I love the valances! They match the bedding perfectly!

Here is the dresser with the changing pad on top. All the drawers are full of clothes we got at the shower!

The shelves with the diaper caddy and wipes and such.

Harlee's overflowing closet!

We put the quilt from the bedding set on the wall, since its not safe to be in the crib. The cube shelves work perfect with the green and blue cloth bins. I fit toys in one, receiving blankets in another, washclothes and towels in one, and misc in the last. The froggy humidifer is too cute! Our dog keeps running into the nursery and getting that elephant on the bottom shelf. We come home from work and she brings it to the door, she must think we bought it for her!

My sis got the turtle for my shower. He has the most adoreable sad little eyes!

Here is one end of the crib. I still gotta run out and get batteries for everything.

The other end. The little hula monkey toy is adoreable, the girls at work got it at my work shower.

And her letters above the crib! Everything turned out just like we wanted! DH did such a great job with all the drywall and trim!

32w, America, The Land of Opportunity?

2009-04-10T08:22:00.002-04:00

Well let me start by saying that Wednesday was a pretty good day. My To Do List included needing to find a pediatrician, find a daycare, and get my hospital bag packed this week. I only have one friend that has kids, so I had asked her about which pediatricians she liked. We have a meet and greet appointment set up with one she recommends at the end of this month. I like that they are open on Saturdays for urgent appointments. We will start with her and if we don't like her, then we can try again after the baby is born. The daycare situation was going to be a bit more complicated. If DH and I keep the jobs we have now, I am off every weekend and DH is off every Wed and Thurs. So that leaves Mon, Tues, and Friday that we need some kind of childcare from 1pm-11pm. I know that a lot of daycares make you pay for a whole week even if you don't need it. Plus, I'm sure they're not open till 11pm. Well, we called one that is only about 2 miles from our house and has been around a long time. They have a two day minimum (check!), have a four infants to one caregiver ratio (check!), charge $4 an hour (check!), and get the same caregiver each day. Perfect! It sounds great, no waiting list either, we are invited to stop in anytime we want to check it out. The down side is that they close at 6pm. Soooo, that leaves from 6pm-11pm we need childcare. We asked my sis and my MIL, they are on board no problem, and thankfully my mother also said she would help. So I feel SO relieved that we have adequate childcare set up. We even have a few friends to use as backups in an emergency.

So after Wednesday left me feeling very excited, Thursday was a huge disappointment. We knew we needed to try to apply for Medicaid first before heading into bankruptcy. We trudged downtown at 7:30 in the morning, and waited to see someone. Finally around 9:30, a nice looking lady took us back. Basically we make too much money. I figured so much. Because we are married they count DH's income too. If I was a single parent and he was my boyfriend, they wouldn't even count his. But, because we are a married couple who did things the right way, we get screwed. Thank you America. I pay my taxes, we both work hard, and then the system fails and people like us fall through the cracks. Ugh. I just needed to vent. She did say that as soon as they baby comes, ask for the social worker in the hospital while I am still there, and we can apply for retroactive Medicaid, since there will be three of us and we may make the income cut off. I'll bet I do that and we still won't qualify. I guess we play the waiting game and see.

My shower went great this weekend, I have to get the pics on my computer and then I'll post all about it. And the pics of the room, yes I know I'm taking forever! I haven't forgotten!

30w5d, Ultrasound to Check Growth

2009-04-01T16:56:00.003-04:00

Our appointment was at the hospital at 8:30, we didn't even get out until 10:30! Ugh! I swear they always take forever. I think they over schedule and on top of that the techs call in all the time. Grrr. Anyways we got to see our little girl, who was thankfully still a little girl (I worried about that). She was measuring right on track, only about 4 days behind, which is great. I had been measuring small, so the OBs ordered this ultrasound to make sure she was still growing great. I was amazed at how much bigger she is. She is estimated to be 3lbs 6oz right now! We got a few pics, but they were a profile of her head and one arm. That's all they could fit on the screen-no more full body pics like before! She is already head down with her back on my right side. I guess she just fits inside my ribcage too, and with me being so tall I guess that's why I'm not showing much.

The room is done! The only thing left to get is some kind of shelving system for the diaper caddy to go on next to the changing table. Oh-and I have to touch up paint one wall. We bought kitchen and bath washable paint, but they were out of what I had bought before and they gave me the next step up for the same price. I learned my lesson-go with what you like, cause the stuff they gave me is awful! We put pencil marks on the wall in order to space out the letters for her name. No big deal they should have washed off, right? Wrong. After taking my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to it, it took some paint off and is now discolored! Ugh, more work for me. Those Magic Erasers are great and I use them on all my walls, but apparently this paint just doesn't like it.

I am super excited about my shower for this weekend. I hope I have enough room for everyone in my house! I hope I can get everything cleaned in time too! My sis and MIL are coming Friday to help clean, so I know I can leave some stuff for them.

I still have awful headaches every day and its hard to see most of the time, but I am trying to hang in there as long as possible. I now have just awful acne all over my back and chest. I have been trying all kinds of topical acne meds to keep it to a minimum, but its terrible! Luckily my face avoided it! I am glad though that I have only gained 20lbs so far, and hopefully can stay under 30 total. Here I tried so hard and lost 20 before becoming pregnant, I don't want to have to have even more to get rid of. Oh well, anything for my little girl. I can't wait to meet her. I have been wondering just what she'll look like. Me? DH? Neither one? Will she have lots of hair or be bald? Will she have inherited DH's birthmark on his face? Or mine on my knee that looks like dirt? Light or dark hair? I love to think about her. I love her so much already, I can't believe we're finally having our very own baby!

30w2d, A Look Back at the Nursery

2009-03-29T14:19:00.003-04:00

Well here are a few pictures of the tear down of the old room. Everything had to go-the old blown insulation in the ceiling fell down when DH took the ceiling down, I guess there was no insulation what so ever in the walls! Anyways, he replaced the wiring, put the fluffy pink insulation in, and yes, the ugly doors got replaced too! The only thing that stayed was the windows-which must have been pretty new when we moved in.

Over two years working on the room, and its come a LONG way!

I am done with the painting, so hopefully soon I'll post some photos of the finished room. I still gotta run and get a curtain rod and switch plate and outlet covers. Stay tuned...

29w4d, I Passed!

2009-03-24T15:45:00.002-04:00

Its a miracle! I actually passed the one hour GD test! I am shocked! That metformin is definitely working. I am SO relieved. Relieved I don't have GD, and even more relieved I don't have to get poked again. All other blood work came back good too, so I assume that means I'm not anemic either. (Those yummy steaks for the last few weeks worked too!)

The OBs are stumped as to why my vision continues to get blurry and why I now have headaches every day. Blood pressure is good, blood sugar is good, and all other labs say I'm fine. I keep getting super hot throughout the day, luckily it is still cool here in Michigan so I go stand outside for a while and cool off. My blurry vision makes me feel dizzy and unsteady on my feet quite often. It is hard to look at paperwork or a computer screen and concentrate on words. We discussed me having trouble at work, and the OB said that I may not be able to tolerate working as long as most women can. My body just doesn't like being pregnant. Whenever I am ready to be done, I will just let them know. He was ready to take me off work today, but I told him we really can't afford it, and I would try to hold on as long as possible. The days where my vision is really bad, and I know I shouldn't work for safety reasons, I will just call in. Instead of appointments every two weeks, I am to be seen every week from here on out. We will take it week by week. He gave me Darvocet for the headaches so we will see if that helps at all. I have an appointment with the neurologist next week, but they are trying to get me in sooner to see if he can help at all.

He also scheduled me for an ultrasound at the hospital on April 1st to check Harlee's growth. He says I am measuring small, but it may just be because I am so tall. Her heart rate has been great every time they've checked it and she's been moving around a lot, but I didn't have an ultrasound at the hospital to check on her, and the OB wants to make sure she is still on track. I'm sure she's fine, but I'm glad they are keeping a close eye on her.

The nursery is coming along. Slowly. I knew it would take me like maybe two or three times as long to paint, but realistically it is more like ten times as long. The two coats of primer are done. Tomorrow I will be taping and Thursday will be the white for the doors, ceiling, and trim. I hope to get to the color on the walls by the weekend. I just hope I finish it in time for the shower on April 4th.

28w6d, 28 Week Appointment

2009-03-19T18:06:00.002-04:00

This morning I had my 28 week appointment. I went by myself since DH was filling nail holes in the baby's room and wanted to keep working. I signed in and walked across the hall to the lab to drink my sugar drink for the GD test. I was hoping to get orange, which I had before-no such luck. Fruit punch-ewww. Regualr fruit punch makes me gag, it was all I could do to chug it down and not throw it up. Went back across the hall and waited. I thought I was seeing my OB, Dr. N, but apparantly they already started me seeing the other two docs. Today it was Dr. A, he's ok so far. It had only been 20 minutes after I drank the nasty stuff and my vision was getting blurry. Greeeeeaaaaaat. Ugh-what is going on? It wasn't my blood sugar last week, why does it seem like its the culprit this time? I told Dr. A, he said if it got worse to call him right away. They may put me back in the hospital. I really don't want to do that. I told him that the last visit would likely put us into bankruptcy, plus they did all those tests and didn't find anything. I'm not going back, no thanks. He said it may be from my contacts, that maybe I need a new prescription, sometimes pregnancy can change your eyes. Uh-no, its not my eyes, I'm sure. I was fine till I drank that crap. He tells me to wear my glasses, but my glasses prescription is over four years old (not to mention they are ugly and I hate glasses) so I'm sure that I can't really wear them and see great anyways. And-I don't have money to go to an optometrist and get new glasses or contacts. (I have to wear something, I am considered legally blind without anything.) Sigh. He tells me to come in next week so they can see how I'm doing. Next appointment is Tuesday.

I return across the hall to the lab and wait a few more minutes until my hour is up. Even though I put the EMLA cream on my arm, something went very wrong. The nurse did not use a butterfly needle, it was giantor sized. I screamed in agony and yelled at her to stop or hurry up. It took FOREVER for that vial to fill. I was crying uncontrollably (why did I go by myself today?) She says, "Wow you really have a phobia." I firmly tell her it is not a phobia, it is a real pain, an intense pain. It is an automatic reaction my body has. I cannot control it. I barely make it through a pevic exam without passing out. Its real, and its my body. She says "oh."

Good God, please let me pass that one hour GD test-I just can't do a three hour one and get stabbed four times, I just can't.

The results will be back by my appointment on Tuesday, so the doc will know then if I have possibly GD, and it may be connected to my vision issues.

I stayed home from work today. DH had the day off and I didn't want my vision to get really bad and have to have him come get me. I snuggled into bed and tried to snooze, but have had a headache ever since and can't sleep. I feel miserable. My entire arm, all the way up to my shoulder just aches.

I just don't know if I can do all this over again and have another child. I can't take it. I am ready to be done with this one.

28w2d, Back From the Hospital

2009-03-15T06:40:00.006-04:00

I am so glad to be home. I'll bet you all wondered where I've been. Thursday afternoon I was at work and all of a sudden I was sitting at my computer and I lost my part of my field of vision on the right side. As in, half of my computer screen was gone. I looked at my boss who came in my office-he only had half a face. Not good. I sat there for a minute, ok well like 20 minutes, to see if it went away. I called DH, told him something was wrong and he may have to come get me. Only he could barely hear any of the conversation. Something was wrong with our cell phones or cell phone provider. After about three broken calls, I can hear him yelling at me "Just tell me what you want me to do!" I yelled to him, "Come get me!" and I knew he got it. So of course I had driven myself to work that day, I knew I couldn't see to drive home. DH had the day off, so he had to drive the 40 minutes to my work to get me. A co-worker had one of those glucose meters and she insisted she check my blood sugar. I was reluctant, because the last time the hospital did it, they hurt me bad and left a hole in my finger for three days! She said her stuff was way better, and it didn't even hurt. My sugar was 100, perfectly normal. She said maybe it was falling fast or something, so I ate a banana and retested just before DH got there. 133, still ok. I called the OB, they said to go straight to L&D, it was serious. Okay, okay. So off we went. Little did I know I wouldn't be out of there till Saturday night.

We arrived at the ER entrance, walked to the window, and were promptly escorted by wheelchair up to L&D, just as before. (Talk about fast service when you're pregnant! Had I not been pregnant and had like sawed off my hand or something we would have been sitting there for hours waiting to be seen!) Same L&D triage area as before, luckily I did not have the mean doctor I had last time. I explained the whole shabang to them. Yes, I checked my blood sugar, gave them the times and numbers (so they wouldn't do it again!), they checked my blood pressure, and it was normal, put baby on the monitors (she was totally fine, thank goodness!), and had a doctor in to see me in like 5 minutes. No, it wasn't my eye, I knew that because if I covered my right eye and just used my left, the right area of my field of vision was still gone. I knew it was a brain problem, not an eye problem.

He called my doctor and the decision was made very quickly to admit me. What? I have to stay here? I started bawling uncontrollably. How would we ever afford this? I was more concerned over the lack of financial coverage than my health. But I will explain that in a later post.

So I end up in a room on the antepartum wing, in the high risk section. (I don't even know what antepartum is!) I got lovely neurochecks every few hours. They shine lights in your eyes, check pulses in hands and feet, check reflexes, etc. This gets really old after about twenty million times. (I know, I know, they have to do it.) Baby is monitored every few hours, she doesn't show any signs of stress. After I am there for about 2 hours, I did get a small headache, probably from being all stressed out and upset. But otherwise nothing other than the loss of vision. No bleeding, cramping, contractions, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, nothing. Doctors kept coming in to see how my vision was. At some point that night, MY OB, Dr. N who I love came in and said they were waiting for the neurologist to decide what to do. I assumed they were getting a hold of MY neurologist I have seen previously for my migraines.

The very first nurse I had, I made it very clear to her that needles cause me lots of pain, I did not want an IV or any blood work unless it was absolutely necessary. I told her I have my EMLA cream with me, and if she knows I need blood work, to please tell me at least an hour before they do it, so I can put my cream on and it won't be so bad. A few hours after that conversation, she came in and said "its time!" all cheery and with the rubber strap they use to tie your arm up to make your veins pump up. A moment of panic set in, then I realized she just wanted to see where my veins were so she could put the cream on, she wasn't coming to poke me just yet. She listened. She hadn't forgotten. Thank goodness. She got me all set, after she realized I do this all the time, its routine for me to put it on myself and cover with the tagaderm. She said she would be back in an hour to draw blood for the labs they had ordered, but there was no need for an IV or anything else. Whew. Thank you, nice nurse.

DH called in to work, OK he tried to call in to work. They would not answer the phone! They knew it was him and he was calling off! Rotten people. He called his bosses, and they wouldn't answer either. Finally the guy on first shift called back (DH figured they were all having lunch together and saw he tried calling all of them multiple times, so maybe it was important and they better call back). Anyways DH finally tells them he will not be in on Friday or Saturday because I am in the hospital and he is not leaving me. I told DH I would be fine, and we couldn't afford for him to miss work too, be he insisted this was too important and he was really worried.

I did get a late dinner tray about 7:30. Let's say I now know to take my own supply of food for when I give birth. The food at this hospital is awful! There was half a plate of some faded green beans, a scoop of very instant potatoes and gravy, and a ball of stuffing (?) with more brown gravy poured over it. The paper said there was turkey too?! I never found any turkey under that stuff. There was milk, coffee, and a white roll. Wonderful-I don't drink coffee, am lactose intolerant, and don't eat white bread. I was starving by then, so I ate that white roll, half of the technicolor green beans, and the reconstituted potatoes. I hated to see what breakfast would consist of. (Let me guess-powdered reconstituted eggs?)

I sent DH home to get my contact stuff and some shower items, my Snapple peach iced tea, some granola bars, and extra underwear and socks. He made it quick and returned in under an hour with a duffel bag full of comforts and my own fluffy pillow. (Did I mention the one on my hospital bed was about 1 1/2 inches thick and made of plastic?) He also brought Toy Story, Toy Story 2, and A Bug's Life for us to watch. On the VHS player in the room. Yes, you read that right VHS. We only own a few tapes, so DH did his best! DH said it was like our own cheap hotel room! Yeah, except we weren't there by choice! I tossed and turned all evening and all night. DH slept on a very uncomfortable chair that pulled out and laid flat. The nurses were very nice and gave him lots of (flat) pillows and blankets and tried to make him as comfortable as possible. In fact ALL of the nurses and staff were super nice and friendly the whole time we were there. Not one bad apple. Most of my vision loss had returned by 10pm that night. So it lasted about 7 hours.

My neurologist came in finally at about 11am Friday morning. He told me about the tests he wanted to run to rule things out, which would take most of the day. He was not sure about the cause of my vision loss, but to have no migraine and to have such a large significant portion of my vision gone for so long was something they had to thoroughly check out. He said it may be from a type of small clot in my neck or brain that went away on its own and tests would not pick up anyways, it could be a migraine even though my head was not in excruciating pain, or I could have a large clot or bleeding which would show up on tests.

By then my dad and my MIL had arrived to check on me. (Really, I'm fine. I'm not dying, I don't need everyone to come up to the hospital.) The first test up was an ultrasound/ecocardiogram of my heart. That did not take long at all and within a half hour of my visitors arriving, a lady came into my room with a large machine for the test. I had one over 10 years ago, but I guess I forgot the details. I had my visitors leave since I didn't want my bare chest exposed to the world, the tech let DH stay though. The test was SO uncomfortable. Okay, truthfully it was painful. The in the middle of the chest part was fine. Then she had to look at my heart from the underside of my left boob. My very pregnant sore boob. She pushed so hard on my bony ribs I thought for sure they were going to break. Tears were rolling down my face, I barely could get out "It hurts, it hurts!" in a gasping voice. She said "I know, but I have to get in between your ribs to get the last of the pictures." I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, but ugh. I hope I never have to have that done again.

That one was over just in time for someone to arrive with a wheel chair to take me to x-ray. X-ray? What do I need an x-ray of? Well...the MRI place called and they are being paranoid about making sure you are free of metal implants, etc so they want an x-ray of your head before they will do the MRI. I already told these people I have no metal in my head but apparently my word isn't good enough and I apparently don't know what things doctors have or have not put in me, so they want to put me more in debt and add an unnecessary x-ray to the tab. Whatever. They take me to do my head x-ray, while DH tags along and waits in the hallway. They said they didn't do many head x-rays, henceforth it took forever and they kept re-taking them to get it just right. From there I went to the non-invasive vascular lab and had a relatively quick and painless ultrasound of my neck arteries and such checking for blockages, which the tech said there were none. DH got to sit with me for that one. Oh-and the x-ray showed no metal in my head-told ya so, crazy people.

I came back, ate my pathetic lunch, and they said an ambulance was on its way to pick me up and take me to the MRI place. (I guess the hospital doesn't have one in house, they ship you out to a free standing center.) We waited and waited and they never came. A nurse finally came in and explained there was some mix up and they were filled for the day and I now had to wait till Saturday for the MRI. Great, another day in prison. At least no more tests for the day. I was SO tired. My mom came up for a while and was there for about an hour or so, then another lady came to the door with a HUGE machine on wheels and said "Hi, I'm here for your EEG." Oh, no one told me I was getting that. Which, I didn't care, because I had that test about 10 years ago too, and remember it was easy. The machine took up so much of the room that my mom left so they could rearrange my bed for the test. DH stayed by my side during the hour or so I had to sit still. For those of you that don't know, this is the test where they glue (yes, actual glue) about 22 wires to carefully measured spots on your forehead and scalp and measure brain waves. There was also a flashing strobe light for at least half of the time (I guess to induce seizures if you are susceptible?!). I don't remember that strobe light part from 10 years ago, but I know things have changed.

I only had a few spots of missing vision all day on Friday, but nothing major like Thursday. My dad came back up to sit with me and give DH a break to go home again, get showered and bring us both some real food and a few other little things. He brought back Subway! Yay! A turkey sub-the staple food of my pregnancy! I ate half and kept the other in a small cooler DH had brought with some ice. We both fell asleep watching one of our kiddie videos. We were so exhausted.

Around 10:30am Saturday morning, a funny looking little man comes to my doorway with a caddy of needles and such and says cheerily, "Hi I'm here for your IV." Umm-there must be some mistake, I don't need an IV. He turns to the nurses station just outside my door. My nurse is right there and comes in and says yes they ordered one for the MRI. No-I spoke with the neurologist yesterday and specifically asked him if I had to have needles and he said no. I would be having just the MRI, not an MRI with the contrast dye, because the dye was not safe in pregnancy. He said no needles. Said nurse calls the MRI place back and explains what the doctor had told me. They tell her that if they see something, then they will use the dye for contrast, so I need the IV. She relays that to me and I FLIP OUT!!! NO WAY! No-they will NOT be putting something into me that could/would harm my baby absolutely not. I get hysterical, she calls back and eventually the MRI place gives in and says fine, no IV. Good grief. Now I'm all worked up.

The MRI was scheduled for 12:30 Saturday, so the ambulance people came around noon to get me. A breath of fresh, cold Michigan air, and then it was into the ambulance for the short 5 mile ride to the MRI place. DH got to come along, but as soon as we got there, they made him go to the waiting room. I had to lay in the hallway on a hard metal gurney thing with no back support for like 10 minutes until a nurse came to get me. She gave me cheap earplugs and insisted that I put them in. I told her I really don't like anything in my ears, she said I had to, so I just kind of turned 'em sideways and laid 'em in there. Then they squished restraints on both sides of my head and I couldn't take it. I said "I can't do this-these ear plugs have to come out!" She shrugged and said "Ok, I guess you don't have to have them in." Well do I or don't I? Cause ya told me I just HAD to keep them in and now its ok if I take them out? Well they are staying OUT! (Note to readers-I had multiple ear surgeries in my younger years and anything in my ears bothers me a ton. No earplugs, no head phones with ear buds, and no Bluetooth thingy for me. Can't stand them.) I can see that this is not going to be good.

I had an MRI long ago, so I do remember them being noisy and confined. The hospital did offer me sedation for the MRI, but I said no thanks. Sedation just doesn't ever work, unless they make me totally unconscious. And any form of sedation would require NEEDLES! No thanks. I'll survive.

They stick me in there, and its ok, I just close my eyes. Then panic sets in. What if this whole thing that is only an inch from my face just collapses on me? I start crying. I'd be crushed for life. I can't breathe. I start to shake uncontrollably. I know they said I have to be still be I can't help it. My whole body starts to spasm. I'm going to puke. Oh my God, if I puke, I can't even turn my head, I'll aspirate my own vomit and die before I can get out. Don't puke, don't puke, just push it down. Then the noise starts. It is SO loud. Harlee does NOT like it one bit. She is kicking and punching so hard, she wants out now. So do I. She kicks harder, nonstop. I know I need to calm down. Think, think. Its so loud how can anyone think. Name vegetables A-Z. Go. The noise is so loud, OMG my baby is going to be deaf. R-radish, S-squash, T-turnip, U- there is no veggie that starts with u! . What if this is too much for her, she is obviously in distress here. I feel my stomach turn rock hard, so hard it hurts, is this a "contraction"? She kicks and I cry, so so hard. Flowers A-Z: anemone, bear's breech, candytuft, dianthus, edelweiss, f-um, can't think of an f... Who the hell made these machines? Can't they insulate them or something? Where are the advances in technology? My stomach keeps hardening, I'm sobbing, she's kicking. My Harlee will surely be deaf. I know all that amniotic fluid muffles noise, but it can only muffle so much. I try to keep my hands over my belly, as if to try to block out what I can for her. My elbows are digging into the hard metal on the super skinny thing I am laying on. Please be over soon, I can't take this.

It lasts over a half an hour. They take me out. I am still shaking and crying so hard. They take the things off of my head and ask "if I'm alright". Um-hello, do I look ok? I can barely speak and just say "I want my husband." No one even gives me a Kleenex. They push me out into the hallway where the ambulance drivers transfer me back over to their padded gurney in the empty hallway. I ask the woman from the ambulance company to grab me a paper towel I can see on a counter. She tries to find some Kleenex, but grabs the paper towel after she can't find any, or even anyone to ask. The man from the ambulance company brings my husband to me. I am just sobbing and am so worried about little Harlee. Now she's not moving at all, nothing. Please let her be ok.

We get back to the hospital and the nurses can tell I'm upset. They put all the monitors on right away. Her heart rate was good, and whatever contractions I had were gone. They leave the monitor on for a while, until I had calmed down. I was so exhausted I really didn't care to eat the tray of "food" they saved for me. DH held my hand and I fall asleep for a few hours, drifting in and out as the nurses check on me.

The neurologist came in around 4pm, and said everything looked ok, I could go home finally and he wanted to see me in two weeks. We had to wait for the OB to sign off on my discharge papers too but that only took about another hour. I go to the OB this coming Thursday, so they will see me then. So it was either a migraine with no pain and major visual disturbances, or a small clot that disappeared. I hope I do not have any more excitement until Harlee comes. And most of all-I hope none of you EVER have to have an MRI while pregnant. That was awful. And it didn't help that that place was more than difficult and uncaring. DH and I fell asleep in our own comfy bed last night watching tv, happy to be home, happy my little girl and I were ok.

27w3d, Getting Ready

2009-03-09T16:35:00.002-04:00

The trim is all finished in the room, so DH has to do some light sanding and filling nail holes on Wednesday, then I can get to painting this weekend! Hooray! I already have primer on the walls from when we put the drywall up last year, so I'll have to get the doors and trim done Saturday and then start the color and the white for the trim on Sunday. I have to go this week and get some paint swatches, it will be some shade of green I know for sure. I painted my kitchen last May and used Olympic kitchen and bath paint. It went on well and I am very happy with it, no discolorations or anything, even after I've spilled tons of stuff on the cupboards and walls, everything wipes up easily. Even though it is kitchen and bath paint, I am thinking of using the same stuff for the baby's room. What do ya think?

The bedding came in, its very bright and I absolutely love it. The curtains, border, changing pad, dresser, and crib should be in later this week. As soon as the crib and dresser come in I will have DH put them together to make sure nothing is damaged or missing. I'll just throw some old sheets over the furniture while I paint so I won't have to dismantle it all to get it back out of the room. I am doing the painting myself, I am a perfectionist and have done all the painting in our house. I know it will take me longer because I get so tired, but that's ok.

I'm so excited to get this nursery finished up!

26w5d, All is Well

2009-03-04T07:31:00.002-05:00

Well everything went fine at the follow up appointment on Friday. The OB confirmed that, yes, the baby was growing on schedule and the ultrasound didn't reveal any problems. I got a kick count sheet to do twice a day to log my baby's movements. Other than that I just stick with the regular appointments. DH says I'm just a paranoid first time mom. Yup, sure am. I don't want anything to happen to her. And if I feel something is wrong, then I'll be checking it out, just like I did last week.

We did get the results of DH's blood test back. At my last appointment, the doc told me I'd be getting the second of three Rhogam injections. (I had the first at 12w during the bleeding episode.) The second is scheduled for 28 weeks, and the third for after the baby is born. I HATE needles, and thought it was worth it to ask if they could just test DH to find out his blood type. If I'm negative and he's negative, then our baby will be negative and there's no need for the shots. So I made him get poked at our last visit. They told us there was a 15% chance he would be negative, and guess what? HE'S NEGATIVE!!!!! Thank God! Two less needle stabbings for me to endure! At least we got lucky on something!

The goal is for them to have no necessary reasons for any needles at all for delivery. So I need to pass the GD test here soon (cross your fingers) and the Group B Strep test near the last few weeks. I am fairly confident I can pass that one. There's all kinds of tips on how to avoid being positive, and I will be using all of them. The Hibiclens wash, the probiotics, the extra vitamins, all of it. I want to have a stress free delivery. And nothing causes me more stress and anxiety than needles!

My Hypnobabies home study is going well. I am taking two weeks for each class. I will be starting the second class this weekend. So, far-I'm hooked. It is everything I want my birth to be. I am SO excited to be using it. It follows all of my core values to a T. DH and my sister kind of giggled through the first week's stuff, but I think they will become more comfortable with it as we go on. DH has made a few comments here and there, and truly doesn't think I can do this without an epidural or other drugs (ahh-just like I hear every other person say to me) but I am confident that if I practice and commit to it, I can do it. I want to have an intervention free birth.

Harlee seems to be back to her old self. She is very active and kicks most all day long. Her kicks and punches are becoming stronger. I wonder just how strong they'll get! It is a huge comfort knowing that she has a fighting chance of surviving if she would be born today. Its like a huge weight has been lifted. I know, I know, I am a worry wart.

We finished ordering all the nursery furniture. The only thing left in there is the mattress, hopefully MIL will get it before the shower. I wanted the nursery to be done by the shower, so everyone could see it. MIL ordered the crib on Sunday, and I helped grandma order the dresser, changing pad, curtains, and border yesterday. I ordered the bedding over a week ago, and it should arrive today or tomorrow. Yipee! Then I can start getting some paint swatches to figure out what's going on the walls. DH is supposed to be working on the trim today and hopefully get close to done. He did the trim around the windows last week and sent me a picture at work. Well, it was not what I expected. He did not measure it right and its supposed to look like all the other trim in the house, so he had no choice but to redo it the next day. Boneheaded men, I tell ya what! They do not want to measure right and get it right the first time! (The problem is that our house is old and has very wide trim everywhere. You cannot buy it like that, it all has to be custom cut.) I told him I need at least two weeks to paint, and the shower is on April 4th! I have a lot to do before then!

Sisterhood Award

2009-03-01T11:00:00.009-05:00

I have been nominated by Kimbosue for the Sisterhood Award. I don't think I've ever got a blog award before! Thanks! Anyways Kim has been a great friend to follow on her journey to parenthood, she is currently on bed rest, so stop over and give her a note of encouragement.

So here are the rules: Put the logo on your blog or post. Nominate at up to 10 blogs with show great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

Today I am nominating 5 people. My nominees are:

1. Amy from Day by Day Your posts are keeping me focused on God and what He can do for us in our difficult times and in everyday life. Your words of encouragement are heartfelt and much appreciated.

2. Lisa from The Big Tex Hill Family. Your love of your four kids and involvement and appreciation for each shows me the true heart of motherhood.

3. Sara from Gas Passer aka UUer. Sara had a rough pregnancy and has shown me strength to get through anything. Her attitude is always up beat, even in her roughest of times.

4. Courtney from My Journey to Mommyhood. I just recently connected with her in blogland. We are a day apart in our due dates, and I know we'll have lots of experiences to share as June draws near. I feel like there's someone else out there who knows that our pregnancies are blessings beyond words.

5. Tara from Those Krazy Koopmans. Her blog on life as a military mom and dealing with the stresses of everyday life are real, raw, and tell it like it is. Thanks for being a great friend to me.

25w5d, 100 Days Left!

2009-02-25T11:23:00.002-05:00

I just love looking at my little counter on the side of my blog. 100 days left, it seems like another milestone, yipee! We're getting closer!

Yesterday I went to the labor and delivery floor at the hospital to get checked out. Monday night I had not felt Harlee move at all. All night I toss and turn and she always moves a bit as I move, but that night there was nothing. I got up in the morning and ate my breakfast along with a nice glass of grape juice which she always likes. Still nothing. Took a nice hot shower, lots of bending over trying to shave my mile long legs. Still nothing. Drank a cold Coke, layed on each side, and nothing. I started to get hysterical and tell DH that something just wasn't quite right. We both poked and prodded, yelled at her to please move. He put his head on my tummy to see if he could hear anything and low and behold after a minute, she punched his ear! Thank God! I got about two more movements out of her while we sat on the bed and that was it. I knew she was still alive and moving and figured she'd be back to herself later that day. All day I was at work and she only moved about 3 more times. I was still panicked and called my OB, and he sent me to get checked out. Of course, DH and I rode together to work, and he dropped me off, so that left me with no car. I called MIL and she came in about 40 minutes. Then it was another 40 to get to the hospital.

My OB had said to go to ER and tell them to send me up to L&D and he would let them know I was coming. Well, that part went pretty good. There was a room full of people in the ER. I walked up to the window, told them where I was supposed to go and how many weeks I was, and I was immediately escorted up to L&D triage. I had some very nice nurses up there, and as soon as I got into my gown they got the monitors on me and we could all hear the baby's heart beat. Good, she was still ok. I was concerned because there had been such a drastic change in frequency of movements. I knew she was still alive, but had been worried if she was in distress or something. I knew that if something happened and I had put off going to the hospital, I would have never forgiven myself. My baby means everything to me.

The doctor (not mine, just whoever was there) came in and felt my belly and immediately said "You're awfully small for 25 weeks are you sure about your due date? Where did you get that date from?" And yadda yadda yadda. I fired back with "Yes I am positive about my due date, it is calculated from my LMP and has been verified by multiple ultrasounds. I know exactly what day we got pregnant! We have been trying for this baby for two years!" He steps outside my room and proceeds to call my OB. I can hear his loud obnoxious voice right through the walls. He says on the phone to my OB "Well no I didn't officially measure her, I just felt her. Has she been measuring on schedule?" To which I reply in my head "YES-I told you that, but you were too busy being a know it all." So Mean Doctor finishes up the phone conversation and then proceeds to ask me about how I've been eating. I honestly reply "Not much. I eat what I can because the heartburn is so bad. Even when its not bad I have no appetite what so ever." Then he chews me out, telling me I am not eating enough, I'm starving my baby, etc. I yell at him "What do you want me to do? If I stuff it down my throat, it just comes back up!" He carries on and on, like I am some uneducated moron who has no clue what I should and should not be doing. He never even asked about my weight gain so I promptly said "I've gained 12 lbs already, I thought that was pretty good?" No comment from him. What does he want me to do? Eat myself to obesity? How much is enough for him, 50 lbs, 100 lbs? Come on! (Note to readers: I am an average weight for my height and have no eating disorders or anything strange, I'm just a normal person!)

He calls my OB back, discusses some things and sends in a tech to do the ultrasound. Baby was measuring 25w1d. Hah! Perfectly fine! That guy is a whacko! The tech took lots of pictures and measurements and didn't say too much else. The nurse insisted that I HAD to have my finger stabbed to check my blood sugar levels to which I was quite stubborn on, but gave in to get outta there. By some miracle it was 109, which she said was fine. My OB had told me to drink some pop on the way to the hospital to get the baby moving, so after all that sugar I expected it to be sky high. They let me go and told me to see my OB on Friday and see what he wants to do. Fine by me, I don't trust that kooky one.

So Friday we will see what MY OB says. Hopefully no more expensive ultrasounds or tests are needed.

25w3d, Surprise Shower

2009-02-23T07:59:00.011-05:00

Friday I walked into work and was so surprised. All my co-workers threw me a surprise baby shower! Tons of pink balloons, a huge chocolate cake with a little fondant baby laying on a flower in the middle, TONS of food, and a huge pile of gifts. I had to hold back the tears! Someone brought a disposable camera, but I can't post any pictures since we are all in our uniforms. (I know someone who actually lost their job from a similar situation.) They somehow managed to have almost all the women officers on my shift there in the break room and switched around so all the males officers were covering posts so the ladies could see me open my stuff. My two bosses (both male) stayed to watch me open all the goodies, since they had never been to a baby shower. I could hear them both saying "What's that for?" and other things that made me giggle! They went WAY overboard! I am in total awe that they did this for me. I have a great shift that works for me, but I never thought they would do anything like this! I feel so blessed to have wonderful co-workers!

Looking Back

2009-02-20T08:17:00.003-05:00

One year ago today, I started this blog. It was a way to write out my frustrations and fears at a time when I had no one IRL that had a clue what I was going through. Even if no one read it, it made me feel better to get it all out. Through my blog, and reading other's stories who I found this past year, I have connected with women in all walks of this infertility journey, and I now have a bit of comfort knowing I am not alone.

The Quest

The quest for motherhood began over a year ago. Somehow I knew that this journey would be long and hard...and well...guess I'm right. I just had that gut feeling...that this, like everything else in my life, would be hard. Over the past 14 months, we have been poked and prodded, hoping that it would all be worth it in the end. But here we sit, childless. Will I be a "cat lady" in old age or will I have a family? I don't know how many more baby shower invites this infertile woman can handle.I did finally make the all elusive RE appt. So April 2nd we will be going to see "The Miracle Worker" (I think that is what I shall call him). I hope he can get us going on something. We are paying out of pocket, and the initial appt. alone is $290. That is a lot of money for us, we are not exactly movie stars with indisposable incomes. We are saving like mad, knowing that IUI and IVF could possibly be in our near future.I feel very alone on this journey. I know that I am not the only infertile woman on this earth, but I do not personally know anyone. I have joined chat groups of women TTC, almost all have become pregnant with little effort. I wonder: How far will this journey take me?

My original post was very...forecasting. In a way I knew we would have a lot to deal with. Many roadblocks, money issues, painful procedures, etc. But I don't think in my heart I ever truly believed that we would end up getting pregnant.

And look how far we've come.

24w2d, Little Blessings

2009-02-15T08:57:00.004-05:00

My cousin sent a package on Friday, and I opened it Saturday morning. Three really cute outfits for Harlee. She lives out of state, so I know she wouldn't be able to come to the shower. She is so thoughtful. Friday night, one of DH's co-workers gave him a beautiful silver snail bank for the baby too. Its a wonderful keepsake, this co-worker's position was recently eliminated and she came back just to give it to him because she was so excited for us!

I got to spend some time with DH on Valentine's Day after he got home from work. He brought me some beautiful flowers and yummy chocolates. We just stayed home, snuggled on the couch, had some pizza, and watched a movie. And Harlee was kicking like crazy the whole time. It was nice just to have some quiet time together.

I want to let my friend Lisa know how happy I am for her. She just brought her little girl home from the hospital after signing paperwork from her adoption. Stop on over and welcome home little Angelina!

23w5d, Frustrations and Fears

2009-02-11T09:59:00.003-05:00

Well we never got to take our hospital tour. I was SO mad at DH, he had me call in the morning to cancel because he didn't get enough sleep. I hate when he does that, he stays up till the wee hours of the morning when he knows we have to get up early. Doesn't he think this is important? This lady that was doing the tour went out of her way to squeeze us in her busy schedule, so I told DH if he wants a tour then he can call and reschedule it himself. I hate having to do that to that nice lady because I realize how much of an inconvenience we caused. Grrrr. I really wanted to take that tour so I could get some sense of what we would have to deal with. So unless DH calls her back, we'll never get to see the hospital before the big day, since we aren't taking any classes.

Hopefully we can order our Hypnobabies home study course soon. I want to get going on that. I still am getting negative vibes about the whole delivery thing. Everyone IRL that I run into, seems to be so sure there's no way I'll go through delivery without an epidural and other drugs. I am confident I can, but...I have the worst luck ever and I just know something will happen and the doctors and nurses will tell me I'll need a C-section. That is my biggest fear, because if I truly need a C-section, then there is no way I can avoid an IV or epidural. Well I guess I can look back on this post in a few months and see if I was right.

Still frustrated with my mother lately. She is being quite ugly about the whole shower thing. She has made it blatantly clear that if we invite my stepmother, who she hates, then she will not be coming AND she will call all of her relatives and tell them not to come. So basically we have no choice but to have two showers and keep the peace. My stepmother would not make a big deal, my mother however, is out of control. I know if we have just one shower, which is all my sister can really afford, then my mother will not come, be pissed off forever and hold it over our heads for the rest of our lives, and make me even more mad by telling her side of the family not to even come. My mother thinks that we are not thinking of her (umm, isn't this shower for the new mother and new baby?). Ugh.

My mother was very rude about my little girl's name, is ruining the whole idea of a shower, and isn't even very excited for us. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Even when we were going through fertility treatments she just kept saying "Oh you're trying too hard, just relax." Umm, yeah, there is a MEDICAL reason for all this. Then she tried to tell me she had a hard time getting pregnant. Umm, no, I don't think so. You didn't try for over two years, have to go through all the tests, medication, humiliation that we did. She had three kids conveniently spaced 18 months between them, and had the first at the age of 22, and had the third by age 25. Need I say more?

So my sister and I have to get together hopefully this weekend and figure out what exactly we will do. Its just so frustrating. Its like-what will my mother do next to put a damper on the best time of our lives?

22w5d, Fun Stuff

2009-02-04T16:44:00.002-05:00

We finished up registering today at Babies R Us and Walmart. I asked DH if he wanted to go along and he said he did, but shopping trips with him end up with him getting mad at everything and everyone. He wanted to go, so I let him, but after an hour and a half at Babies R Us it was time to go. I had registered for what I could ahead of time online, so my list was shorter. I am quite organized, so thank goodness we got everything done before DH expired.

I am one of those moms-to-be who research every product and read reviews religiously. I figure if I or anyone else is spending money on something, it better be something we'll actually use and is of good quality. I just want safe items for my baby that will last through siblings too. I already have quite a few items that were given to us or that great grandma or grandmas have bought. OK, I've bought just a few little things too! We already have a swing, playpen, highchair, lots of blankets, bathtub, nightlight, mobile, diaper caddy, and some clothes of course.

I am anxious to get the nursery finished up before my shower. My sister is throwing it but it will be at my house. I'd like to have the nursery finished so everyone can see it by then. That room has been one major on going project. Our house was built in 1929, so some things still needed some work. DH tore down the old plaster walls about a year ago. He rewired the room, put insulation in (can't believe there wasn't any!) and got the new drywall up a few months ago. He just put in the new doors and ceiling fan last week. The goal is by the end of the month to put all the new trim up and then I can paint! Yipee! I have to get the bedding here soon so I can match a paint color to it, I do know it will be some shade of green and the trim and doors will be white. I love color! Here's what the bedding looks like.

We set up a time this Friday to take a hospital tour. This may prove interesting. Or will it be a waste of time? We'll see, but I figured we should go since we are not taking any classes through the hospital and aren't familiar with the layout and where we will go. I hope the nurse/tour coordinator is friendly!

21w4d, Stretching

2009-01-27T08:33:00.002-05:00

So on top of my stomach feeling super queasy, I have that feeling as though I have stuffed myself at Thanksgiving and my stomach is stretched to the max. I don't feel full, just that my skin is stretched so tight. I feel very uncomfortable. I use my cocoa butter lotion in hopes of never seeing stretch marks, but I really don't know if it will help. My stomach really isn't all that big yet, but I guess its more than my body is used to. As I have never been pregnant before, it is just one of those "Am I normal?" moments. Will the "stretched to the max" feeling just get worse? Or will it go away as my skin adjusts? I already am so uncomfortable, I can barely get any sleep. I've already gained nearly 10lbs, how much more will I blow up? The doc just said about a pound a week from here on out, but will I be way over that? EEEK!

21w1d, Stomach Issues

2009-01-24T09:31:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately my stomach just has not been doing too well lately. About a week ago, it began as severe heartburn from 5pm and on. So I just compensated by eating more in the morning and afternoon and popping Tums in the evening. And eventually my appetite has dwindled to pretty much nothing. I thought in the second trimester I was supposed to be ravishingly hungry. I guess my pregnancy hasn't exactly followed the norm anyways. I just have no desire to eat anything, really. Poor DH keeps asking me what sounds good, if I want any particular food, but really its nothing. Not even the footlong turkey subs from Subway that I have been living off of for the majority of this pregnancy.

I am concerned that my baby isn't getting all the nutrition she needs. I know they say the baby will take what it needs, but if I'm barely eating anything, what could she possibly get from me?(Well besides my fat reserves stored in my thighs! LOL!) Last night I went out and bought some Ensure. I seem to be able to drink liquids fine, just can't handle solid food. Hopefully the Ensure is better than nothing. I don't really know what else to do. I just hope I can eat normal food soon.

20w, What is Wrong with People?

2009-01-16T11:15:00.003-05:00

Today is 20 weeks. The halfway point. You'd think I'd be overjoyed. But I am crying my eyes out over a lovely phone conversation I had this morning with my mother. It went something like this:

I had called her because I noticed all the schools were closed today (I didn't realize they had to close because of windchills below -20) and I knew she'd be off of work today (she's a teacher) but I said something about "Oh Harlee and I were hungry and couldn't wait to eat breakfast." (I have to wait one hr after taking my thyroid pill) and she starts in with the obnoxious comments about our little girl's name. "So you haven't found another name? You didn't have any others you two could agree on? Don't you know she'll get teased? It just sounds like you named her after a motorcycle. You're grandma and I will come up with another name to call her." And it went on and on. I tried to end the call but then she went on to something else, but let me tell you, I wanted to hang up on her!

Why is my own mother SO RUDE? That is our little girl's name, and no, we're not changing it. No, she's NOT named after a motorcycle. No, we didn't like any other names. And no, no one is calling our little girl something else. Her name is HARLEE and nothing else!

This is my mother. I don't like the name she gave me, but so what. Life goes on. Why does she have to make all those comments? I wouldn't care if I passed Jane Doe on the street and she said those things, but coming from my mother-it hurts.

19w3d, The Belly Part 2

2009-01-12T07:56:00.002-05:00

So I am finally beginning to get used to this big belly I will have for 20 more weeks. It seems more a part of me now, rather than this thing that suddenly appeared. Maybe its because I can feel our little girl move now, the largeness seems validated with a person in there. I love to feel her kicks and punches, its more reassurance that everything will turn out fine. I did, however, step on the scale the other day. I seem to have gained five lbs in less than a week! Whoa! What happened? The next time I go to the doc I will have to ask him just how much he thinks I'll gain. I mean, I knew it would happen sooner or later, but five lbs in one week? I think that's a lot!

We have chosen our little girl's name. Although my mom and sister turned their noses up when we told them, its our kid and we'll name her what we want. We found it in a book and both liked it, we haven't decided on a middle name though. Our little girl's name will be...Harlee.

18w3d, It's a...

2009-01-05T11:35:00.002-05:00

GIRL! Our little one is definitely a girl, we saw those three lines the tech pointed out. She was moving like crazy! Kicking, punching, gulping amniotic fluid, practicing breathing-it was SO neat. Heart rate was around 150. MIL was very excited to be there to see it all. The tech could not get the best pictures of major organs because she was so squirmy, so she said the doctor would probably send us back in a few weeks and hopefully she'll lay still! The tech did say that so far, everything is developing normally and it all looks good. She said our baby girl is about 10 oz and 9 inches long. After looking in all our books, 9 inches is like way ahead of schedule, so maybe she just measured wrong or something! Otherwise we'll have a super tall baby! (DH and I are both very tall, so its possible.)

I am feeling movements about once or twice a day now. The other day I had just got up and sat on the couch in the morning and I had sneezed really loudly. It must have startled her, because I really felt her kicking after that! I LOVE to feel her move.

We had chosen a boy's name, everyone was so sure it was a boy. We have our girl's names down to a few, but haven't decided for sure. At least for now we can call the baby "she" instead of just "baby."

I am so happy! Either sex would have been fine, just as long as its healthy!

18w, A New Year

2009-01-02T17:23:00.004-05:00

Welcome 2009. Let this year be full of "firsts".

I must tell all of you, I'm pretty sure I felt the baby move on Tuesday. Two kicks or punches in my right side. It had to be baby, because I wasn't gassy then! So exciting-I can't wait to feel it more. And I can't wait for DH to feel it too.

Monday is our BIG u/s! I can hardly wait! I really don't care if it is a boy or girl, just that its healthy! Plus I'd love to buy a few gender specific outfits since all we have so far is lots of greens, yellows, and creams! MIL is going with us, I know she will just be SO excited! I wish my mom could be there, but she has to work.

The headaches are getting better! Don't know if its the meds or the Coke, but definately less frequent and not as severe. Finally! Woohoo!

I found out about a program called Hypnobabies. It is a natural childbirth (NCB) program. I convinced DH that I would REALLY like to do this. The home study program is $140, which isn't bad at all. I really like that it uses forms of hypnosis to make labor shorter and less painful. I would love to include my sister in this so she could help out at the hospital too. I get to ask her on Sunday, but I'm sure she'll think its a great idea.

I also have been looking into my rights as a patient at hospitals. I feel better knowing that I can refuse any procedure I do not want. They can't tie me down to the bed or forcibly hold me down and jab needles into me. I can say no till I'm blue in the face, but they still can't do it. If they do, they can be charged with battery. I suspect I may have a rough time with the nurses and doctors during delivery, but it is my birth, not theirs. Hopefully my sister will understand my methods of laboring and can fend off any ill intentioned people while DH is there for me during labor. I know I must be strong and not give in to nurses' scare tactics.

I also researched what wording to put on hospital consent forms, and that regardless of any form I sign, I may revoke consent at any time. I also found out about AMA waivers, or against medical advice. If I have to sign those, I will.

Knowledge is power! I LOVE the internet!

17w1d, Pills, Pills, Pills

2008-12-27T09:13:00.002-05:00

I've probably already complained about this before...but it seems my entire day consists of what pills I need to take. The first trimester seemed like a lot, especially with the progesterone suppositories 3 times a day. Then my pill count tapered off, now its out of control again. Ugh.

I take my thyroid pill in the morning when I get up, and then have to wait an hour before I eat. I hate that, because the first thing I want to do when I get up is eat-I'm hungry! Anyways, then with breakfast I take 2 pills (100mg each )of riboflavin (B2), and 1 of my pills of pindolol. Lunch time I usually take the huge prescription prenatal, B6, B12, Calcium+D, and the "so big I gag every time" prescription potassium pill. Yes, I choke every time on that one. Dinner I take 3 of the metformin. And with my before bed snack I take the other 2 riboflavin and another pindolol. I think that's it.

Daily total: 15

Sigh. Whatever it takes, right?

I just hope that the pindolol and riboflavin are enough to get rid of the migraines. They said it may take a couple of weeks for it to work, I just want relief ASAP!

16w4d, Migraines

2008-12-23T23:39:00.002-05:00

Over the past 3 weeks I have had awful migraines that have increased in frequency and severity. They are to the point of being intolerable. I went to the OB's yesterday but of course they just offered me more Tylenol with codeine. And that just isn't gonna cut it. Well I guess one of the OBs in my practice is related to a neurologist, who is literally across the street from the OB's, and they got me an appointment for today! Awesome!

11 years ago I suffered from terrible migraines. To make a long story short, they aren't the normal kind of migraine, but a rare kind. The pain would be awful, I would lose part of my vision, and then my arms would go numb. I even remember having a "mini stroke," as they called it, and believe me-it was scary. I had every test under the sun, saw a neurologist at U of M Ann Arbor hospital, and the only thing that helped was putting me on a blood pressure medicine called Inderal. (I originally had very low BP, but I tolerated the meds well, and it didn't make it drop too low.) I took the Inderal for about 5 years before weaning myself off of it, and haven't had any since.

Something about pregnancy has made my past come back to haunt me. The neurologist today listened to me tell him about my episodes 11 years ago, and because Inderal is not exactly safe during pregnancy, he is giving me something similar called pindolol. It is a beta blocker and a category B drug in pregnancy (so its a bit safer), and I hope I get the same relief as I did long ago. He is also having me take riboflavin (vitamin B2), which has been shown to reduce or eliminate migraines in a large number of sufferers. The riboflavin is totally safe, so no harm there. I never tried riboflavin years ago, it must be something they have discovered recently.

I start the meds tomorrow and go back in 4 weeks to see how they are working. I pray they do help, because I can't take five more months of feeling like my head is going to explode!

15w4d, The Belly

2008-12-16T09:11:00.002-05:00

My waist is rapidly expanding. Although I have not gained any weight yet, my stomach is huge, and I'm not even half way! Before I was pregnant, I lost close to 20 lbs and looked much better than I had when I gained a lot of weight after college. Still about 20 pounds from my goal, but it was coming off at an appropriate rate. Now I'm worried about gaining way too much. I'll bet it will all come at once. I'm so afraid of looking like a cow. I don't think I like this large belly. Its not a cute belly. Yes, I look pregnant, but not pretty pregnant. Grr.

Guess I'm just in a slump. The nausea is back, and I feel awful 24/7.

15w, Flying By

2008-12-12T09:59:00.002-05:00

Now I look back, and 15 weeks seems to have flown by! But really, in the beginning it seemed to crawl. I think I was just SO worried it wasn't going to work. I'm starting to believe I actually am pregnant and we actually will have a baby at the end. My expanding waistline is interesting. I haven't gained a single pound, but my belly has definately grown. Normal pants are uncomfy. I wore my work uniform maternity pants all this week, they were SO much more comfortable. Last time I saw the doc he said that by 20 weeks I should, at the low end, have gained about 5 lbs. What if I don't? Eek! I don't want to be huge, but I want baby to be ok. Well, 6 weeks to go, we'll see if I can load on 5 lbs!

I am starting to collect ideas for foods to make ahead of time and freeze so when baby comes we could have a few yummy healthy meals ready. I don't care for lasagna or spag. sauce, but I am planning on freezing some cooked seasoned taco meat (for tacos and taco salads), muffins, pancakes, and cooked seasoned baked chicken. But I need more ideas? Anyone?

14w2d, We have our house back!

2008-12-07T09:21:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Grandma finally moved into her assisted living facility. Which means she moved OUT of our house! Hooray! When I told her she could come stay with us, I assumed a week or two at the most. It turned into over three months! That will be the last time we take any relative in. My husband, sister, and mom helped her move, while I cleaned our house and got it all put back to normal.

This morning I was able to wake up, use the bathroom without someone knocking on the door saying they had to go just cause I was in there, got my breakfast in peace and quiet, and plopped myself in front of my tv and opened my laptop without anyone peering over my shoulder. I went to put my dishes in the sink, and was relieved there wasn't any silverware shoved down the garbage disposal. I returned to the couch where I sat in peace without hearing her slurp her "creamer with a splash of coffee" through her straw in my favorite coffee mug my sister had bought me. No scuffling of feet on the floor, no annoyingly cheerful "Good Morning!" (I really just like to sit in peace and quiet and would rather not engage in meaningless conversation as soon as I awake.) No one rushing to get the mail as soon as it arrives because it is of course, the most exciting thing to happen all day long.

My husband and I will spend today having us some much needed together time. We will run some errands and when we return we won't have to retreat to our bedroom to eat or watch tv. We can finally relax. Its just us, our fur babies, and our little one on the way. Now we can focus on us, and getting ready for our long awaited miracle!

13w4d, Back to Work

2008-12-02T09:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we went for our 13 week appointment. The doctor got out the doppler and of course couldn't find the heartbeat again. But you know, this time I didn't panic. I knew our little one was just fine. Sure enough, he pulls in the ultrasound machine, and there is our baby, practically doing flips! They were so active, they wouldn't sit still so the doc could print us out a few more pictures! We did get a few, but none have been as good as the one I posted already. He tried to see if he could tell where I had bled from, but no such luck. We set up the BIG ultrasound/anatomy scan for January 5th! I can't believe it is coming right up. I figured he would wait till 20 weeks, but he said we should be able to see "him/her" by 18 weeks. Plus he wants to see if there are any more issues from the bleeding so at least he is being extra cautious. He told us definately no intercourse, which of course we haven't had since conception (LOL!), we were too worried that something would happen. He said its best not to take any chances, with the trouble I've already had and how much we really want this baby. Fine by me. He let me return to work that day, since I was more than ready and Grandma had practically driven me to insanity.

I'm excited things are moving along nicely, and glad the bleeding is gone. I feel a bit more peaceful now that we are pretty much through the first trimester and made it this far. I am beginning to enjoy this pregnancy a bit more each day.

12w,3d Off of Work

2008-11-24T12:42:00.002-05:00

Well I called the doc this morning and they wanted to see me right away. Got checked again, another ultrasound, this time the little one was kicking and punching like crazy! Guess they didn't like the doc pushing on my belly! Anyways I am to be off of work all this week, and can go back on December 1st to my job. Eeek! I don't know how we'll make it with me missing a week of pay, but we'll manage somehow. Just pray baby continues to do well and I don't need to be off any more than this week.

I have to run to the store today and get a few things for Thanksgiving stuff this weekend. I suppose I can ride one of those Amigos around and have Grandma push the cart. The doc said I was ok to walk around a little bit, but just to rest mostly. So here's to a week of total boredom!

12w2d, Scary Times

2008-11-23T09:58:00.003-05:00

Yesterday morning I got up around 3:40am to pee as usual. I was shocked to find a lot of blood. I was so sleepy, it took a few minutes to register what was going on. I returned to our bedroom and shook DH to tell him I needed to go the the ER. I knew he had to leave at 5am for work, so I called my mom and she said she would come get me. I wished DH could have went, but there isn't anyone to cover for him at work, so we're kind of stuck.

I hate trips to the ER. You're there forever, all in all I think we arrived around 4:30am and didn't leave until 11am. I was so thirsty and of course they wouldn't let me have any water just in case I was indeed having a miscarriage and needed a D&C. A very nice doc finally came to see me, and said they would do an exam, take some blood, and send me for an ultrasound then he would report back to me after all three were done. I was SO scared, all I wanted was DH. I didn't get the ultrasound until around 7:30, but the tech was nice enough to let me see the screen with my still alive baby and turned the sound up so I could hear the heartbeat, strong as ever.

I was smart enough to put my ELMA cream on my arm with my green saran wrap before I left for the ER. I got a few strange looks, but it was worth it. They took blood and insisted on an IV, but it was a piece of cake! And I had to get the Rhogam shot in my hip. Luckily I had the magic cream in my purse and the nurse said she had to order the shot to match my blood type and it would take a while to get down to the ER. I had her get me a tegaderm patch (since saran wrap didn't fit into my purse!) and she helped me put it on my hip. She said the Rhogam would hurt quite a bit, but when the shot came an hour later, the EMLA had already worked its magic and I barely felt a thing! It was nothing compared to the Ovidrel injections for the fertility treatments! I'm so glad my EMLA is worth it and the nurses didn't give me a hard time about using it!

The cause of the bleeding is undetermined, all they would say is that is was classified as a threatened miscarriage. I just don't understand how such advanced medical technology still can't say exactly what is causing the bleed! I know pregnant women can bleed all the time, it would just make me feel better to know exactly what is going on.

They did say I had a UTI. The nurse came in to give me antibiotics, but I was hesitant. I just had a UTI, and that's how I got the yeast infection and I was tired of the UTI yeast infection cycle. I really didn't want to take the antibiotics because I knew what would happen. She explained that I needed to take the meds because I had a severe infection that could cause extensive kidney damage. Ok, I guess I had no choice but to take it.

By the time I left the hospital, the red bleeding had stopped, and was just brown discharge. So far today, no more bright red, so I'm crossing my fingers.

Tomorrow I have to call the OB to see if they need to see me this week, or if I can just wait until December 1st for my scheduled appointment. I was told to stay resting at home for three days, so I will take Monday off of work and plant my butt on the couch. I feel totally useless. DH won't let me do anything but lay here. Grandma got out all the Christmas decorations yesterday, and I told her where they all go. I helped with the tree a little bit!

Today I'm watching "The States" series on the History channel, I'm such a nerd. I love the Discovery Channel and History Channel the most. Hate all those reality shows and such. I asked MIL to pick up my prescription yesterday after I got home, because I knew my mom needed to get home to get a nap since she'd been at the hospital all morning with me. MIL insisted on running to the grocery store to retrieve all my favorite foods for me to eat on the couch the next couple of days. I assured her I would be fine, but you just can't argue with the overprotective MIL! So I got hot cocoa, chocolate chip cookies, pears and apples, cranberry juice, and Chunky Monkey ice cream. Yum! Can you tell she wants to fatten me up?!

Please pray for our little baby, that they will hang in there, and the bleeding doesn't return!

11w5d Ultrasound

2008-11-20T11:50:00.000-05:00

11w5d, In Awe of You

2008-11-19T17:24:00.002-05:00

Today was my appointment to see just what type of infection I had. First I met the other doc, Dr. P, who was just as nice in person as he was on the phone when I had called a few times in panic mode. He is very calm, patient, and reassuring. So I assumed they would just check me out and if I begged maybe they'd let me hear the heart beat, so I went by myself. Of course, the first thing Dr. P did was pull out a doppler to check the heart beat. He said I was just maybe at the point where it could be picked up on the doppler. Still, as he waved the wand over my belly we heard nothing. I swear it was like the longest five minutes ever. Then he just said "Ok, we'll just do another u/s to check things out. I'm sure you wouldn't mind getting more pictures, right?" YAY! I held my breath as he found baby and turned the screen for me to see. "It still has a heart beat, right?" I asked. "Yep, see the flickering? Everything looks good," as he printed me out two pictures.

Our last two ultrasounds the baby has looked sort of abstract, alien like. But today there was a perfect profile of the face and body. Nose, lips, chin, it was beautiful. I cannot believe there is a human being inside me. How cool is that? I just stared at the pictures in total amazement while I waited for Dr. P to return with a script for my lovely yeast infection.

I showed DH as soon as I got home. I know he felt awful for not going with me, but I really didn't think they'd do another ultrasound. He took one ultrasound pic to work and I took the other.

I'm finally excited. 11w5d I saw our baby, I think we made it past the dangerous first trimester. I am breathing a sigh of relief. I actually have a baby on the way. A real baby. Our baby. Thank you God!

(I'll try to get DH to scan the pic tomorrow!)

11w4d, The Never Ending Itch

2008-11-18T16:58:00.002-05:00

Well I resorted to finally making an appointment to get some kind of prescription for this itch that just isn't going away. After I took all those antibiotics for the UTI, I was sure I had gotten a lovely yeast infection. I knew the Diflucan pill wasn't good for the first trimester, and I am allergic to over the counter stuff like Monistat, so I resorted to eating large amounts of yogurt in hopes of restoring all the good bacterias in my body. Well, I'm not sure if its gone and I have something else or what, but its driving me crazy! My doc isn't in the office tomorrow morning, so I will be seeing one of the other ones, which is fine by me.

The last few days I have been super nervous. I just keep getting this "I don't feel pregnant" gut feeling and I'm worrying myself to death. DH says its just me being negative, but I just don't know. I wonder if tomorrow they could reassure me and use the doppler and make sure everything is fine. I hope whatever infection I have hasn't done any harm to the baby.

December 1st cannot come soon enough.

10w5d, The Expanding Waistline

2008-11-12T20:07:00.002-05:00

I was appalled to really look at my belly the other day. EEK! I can definately tell it is getting bigger. I wonder just how big I'll get. Or just how much weight I'll gain. My pants are getting more and more uncomfortable every day. I ordered my maternity work uniform pants the other day and they are supposed to be in within a week, I will definately be wearing those very soon!

I went to the pharmacy today and picked up the last chunk of progesterone. The end is in sight! The OB told me to take them until 13 weeks, and I have enough that I can slowly taper off and not just quit cold turkey. That stuff was pricey at $112 a month, which the insurance wouldn't cover!

I cannot wait until December 1st for our next appointment. I will breathe a huge sigh of relief. I think I'll be bringing out the maternity clothes after that appointment.

Oh-last night was the very closest I have come to puking. I had just gotten out of work and luckily my husband was driving us. All of a sudden I knew I was going to lose it. I prayed there was a plastic bag somewhere in the car and after scanning the backseat in the dark I saw my husband's lunch dishes in a plastic bag. I dumped the contents on the seat and just held the bag. Poor DH looked a little worried and asked if I wanted him to pull over (its almost an hour drive to get home) but I said just to keep going and I had the bag and would be fine. Thank God it never came up because I hate puking, just hate it. Needless to say I put a plastic bag by my bed that night and will be taking one wherever I go, just in case.

Other than that not too much going on. We are counting down the days until Grandma moves out on December 6th. It is very hard having her with us and we both can't wait to have our quiet cozy little house to ourselves again.

Our Ultrasound Pic (9 weeks)

2008-11-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

10w, A Bit Calmer

2008-11-07T09:13:00.002-05:00

Well last week's appointment with the doctor went very well. I was shocked, because I had prepared for resistance. I asked about taking the Metformin for the entire pregnancy and he seemed to be fine with my request. I also explained I really needed more EMLA cream, at least two more tubes to get me through the rest of the pregnancy, and he didn't even hesitate to give me a script for more. I know most in the medical field are very reluctant to give anyone that cream, but thank goodness I got a wonderfully understanding doctor. I also explained that I don't want an epidural or an episiotemy and wanted not to be restricted to laboring in a hospital bed. He seemed fine with all of that. As for the IV issue, he said we could at the very least delay putting it in until the late stages of labor. OK-I suppose I can compromise, at least I have the EMLA cream to use for the IV, so it won't be as bad. But overall, I was very happy with the visit and feel very comfortable staying with this doctor.

Yesterday I saw the thyroid specialist. I had blood work done the week before and he said everything looked great! I am to up my thyroid meds just slightly in a few weeks and I go back in about 12 weeks for another assessment. He said that since I am still having constant diarrhea to make sure I am getting enough potassium. He said that using the Pedialyte is good and to continue. It was reassuring to know I am doing good and am able to make good choices when I get dehydrated.

I am looking forward to our next appointment with the OB on December 1st. I just want to hear that heart beat on the doppler and know that we made it past the first trimester safely.

8w5d, UTI

2008-10-29T16:07:00.004-04:00

One of the moron receptionist girls from the OB's office called Monday morning to say that I my results were in from Thursday's "visit" and that I had a UTI and she was calling in a prescription for me. I of course, asked her "It's not amoxicillan is it?" "Yeah, why?" "Umm, I'm allergic to that, it should be on my chart in like four places!" (Like duh-I know there is a big red sticker on the front of it with allergies listed!) So she said she'd get them to give me something else. Ugh. They almost killed me! I called the pharmacy a few hours later to verify that it was called in and the pharmacist said yes they were giving me amphicillan. What the heck!?! Its in the same "penicillin family". The pharmacist assured me that the doctor must want me to have it if that's what he prescribed. Goody. Everything I read on the internet says definitely do not take it if you are allergic to amoxicillan. Great, do I listen to my conscience or my doctor? I reluctantly took the pills, once I was home and my husband could watch me and make sure I didn't keel over or something. Luckily, no ill effects, so far. I have 8 more days to go.

I am very anxious for Friday's appointment with the doctor. I am afraid he won't work with us. I'm even more afraid he won't prescribe me any more EMLA cream. (The last batch I got from the RE.) Oh well, nothing to do but wait.

A special thanks to Alex, I don't know who you are, and you aren't clickable, but thank you for the info about increasing thyroid meds early in pregnancy. I did not know that and I made an appointment with my thyroid doctor for next week (that's the earliest they could get me in.) The whole thyroid issue is still new to me and I never expected to get pregnant this quickly with the new thyroid meds.

7w6d, First "Appointment"

2008-10-23T17:34:00.001-04:00

My "appointment" went ok today. I went to sign in and the girl said "oh which doctor are you here to see?" I said Dr N. as she flipped through charts etc. "Oh you're seeing the intake nurse today." "WHAT!!!????-I don't even get to see my doctor today?" (Imagine smoke coming out my ears!) I turn around sit in the waiting room and tell DH. The "nurse" is nice and takes a urine sample, blood pressure, and then says something to the effect of getting blood work done. Now wait a minute-no one told me I was seeing only a nurse today and no one told me they were taking blood today either. I told Dr. N very clearly last time that I must put my numbing cream on before any blood work. Thankfully the "nurse" was very nice and handed me the slip and said I could do it tomorrow. Whew. So DH and I proceed to her office where we answer a gazillion health questions (honestly I could have filled it out myself in like 5 minutes but whatever) and she gave us a bag o goodies-magazines, brochures, classes at the hospital, prenatal vitamins, etc. It took all of 1/2 hour. I go back on Halloween supposedly to see the doctor. She said he would do a pap smear, I asked her if I could refuse, and she said maybe but talk to him. I already had one within a year and every time I get one I have major cramping and some bleeding, besides being in pain and a nervous wreck. So hopefully I can get out of that one. And he supposedly does an ultrasound, so hopefully I'll get another of those.

We are very nervous as to if he will accept our birth plan and work with us. Here's what WE want for OUR baby: NO IVs unless it is medically necessary (meaning they aren't putting one in just because they do it for everyone). No episiotemy, if I tear, I tear. No pain relief unless I request it. And I want to labor in any position I like (sitting, squatting, walking etc) as long as it poses no danger to the baby. I also want to be allowed to drink and eat small snacks. I want this au natural with as little needles as possible. Do you think I'm crazy? Do you think the doctor will go for this? Don't I have a right to refuse anything I don't want? Can they FORCE me to have an IV? HELP!

7w4d, Food

2008-10-21T18:09:00.002-04:00

So what have I been eating lately? Anything that doesn't make me nauseous! Dill pickles, ice cream, cereal, croutons, eggs, lemonade, lemon drops, lemon juice pops, cranberry apple juice, Jolly Ranchers, peppermint tea, saltine crackers, graham crackers, and bell peppers of all colors.

The morning sickness for me is actually evening sickness. I am fine until about 5pm, and then I don't feel too well. I still haven't tossed my cookies-thank goodness, but have come awfully close a few times. Strong odors bother me, especially cigarettes and cigars which are hard to avoid here at work. The diarrhea comes and goes, but the days I have it, its like 3-4 times in one day and it totally drains me.

So far at night I am getting up between 2am and 5am to pee, and it takes me forever to fall back asleep. Tonight I am switching pillows and going to try to sleep more upright and see if it helps. I wish I didn't have to work and could just sleep all day long-that's how tired I am!

My husband has been great so far, offering to swing by the store and pick up anything I need or want. He's helping out a lot more around the house too, hope that doesn't stop once the baby comes! I know I am super moody and cry over everything right now, and I know I test his patience every now and then. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I know that by going through this long journey together, it has brought us much closer and our marriage has grown tenfold.

Thursday morning is our first prenatal visit. I can't wait!

7w1d, First Ultrasound

2008-10-18T21:52:00.003-04:00

Yesterday morning I drank the required 40oz of water required for my ultrasound. 40oz seems like a bit much I think. Anyways I figured they would do a vaginal ultrasound since I am only 7 weeks but when I arrived the technician said only the abdominal one was ordered (what is up with this incompetent OB/GYN practice?!?). After she got going, she could tell it was pointless and decided to do the vaginal one anyways. Thank goodness I got to empty my bladder, I thought I was literally going to burst! I cautiously asked a few questions and luckily she was very nice. She eventually went and got my husband who was still in the waiting room. She said she only saw one sack, and when she identified it on the screen I could see the tiny flicker of a heart beat. I asked if we could hear it, and she turned some knob and instantly I heard the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I think my heart stopped. My husband was grinning from ear to ear. About 137 beats per minute, she said. I asked her for a picture to take home and she kind of paused for a minute as though no one ever asks that, but said she would see what she could do. She returned with 4 pictures on x-ray film for us to take home. I wondered why they weren't on photograph paper, but I wasn't going to push my luck and complain.

I am still in awe of seeing and hearing our baby. To think something we waited so long for is now so real, and so perfect is just unbelievable. I think now that we've had the ultrasound, I am beginning to relax and enjoy being pregnant. Just a little bit.

6w6d, Morning Sickness

2008-10-16T17:33:00.002-04:00

Well beginning a few days ago it got pretty bad. Monday I had to leave work early and had to call my boss in to cover for me. I was so dehydrated and so weak. Probably should have went to the ER to get IV fluids, but I really hate needles, so I will do anything to avoid them. No vomiting yet, but I am having severe diarrhea 3-4 times a day. It zaps your energy. I drank some Pedialyte trying to stay hydrated but it is hard. Water makes me gag, and feel like I am about to vomit. And here I was used to drinking up to 96oz a day! I tried some lemonade yesterday-so far so good. I know it has some sugar, but its better than nothing.

They finally scheduled my ultrasound for tomorrow. It is at one of those free standing imaging centers, and I've had enough tests done at those places to know what to expect. So far my experiences have been entirely negative-nurses and technicians who are rude and do not care. They wouldn't even let my husband back with me when I had an HSG (which was pure hell). I am going to try to think positive and pretend it will be a wonderful visit, hubby will get to come back and the very nice technician will point things out and show us the heart beat. We'll see. If I get a rude one who won't even confirm there is a baby and a heart beat, some one might be getting a black eye before I leave. Hehe.

6 weeks, Frustrations

2008-10-10T15:24:00.002-04:00

Why did my OB say he was going to call today with the results of yesterday's blood work and then not call? Grrr. I called at about 2:30, and the girl said everyone was gone and there was no one to give me my results. WHAAAAAT? She said I would have to call back on Monday. I can't wait till Monday-I'll go nuts. My hormones are in full swing, I become hysterical, crying like crazy and called DH. I decided to call back and try again. This time I think I got a different girl, because I begged her to get my results. She put me on hold for like forever. Then the one doctor that I had dealt with before answered. He was very nice, calm, and reassuring. He said everything looked fine and my levels were at 2552. Yay! Thank you so much, that's all I wanted! Was that so hard? I'll call on Monday for them to set up my first ultrasound and first appointment. I didn't care so much about setting up appointments, I was just worried over the levels. I am just totally paranoid. I breathed a sigh of relief, at least for today, ate an ice cream cone and hugged my big ol German Shepard and my kitties. They'll have to do since DH is at work.

5w5d

2008-10-08T18:57:00.002-04:00

Well yesterday the nausea hit me bad. I felt awful and of course was stuck at work for 12 hours. Ugh. But I'll take it. Today, I feel totally fine though.

My blood draw is tomorrow morning, then the awful wait for the call on Friday. As long as the HCG levels are up around 2000, they will schedule me for my first ultrasound and my first visit. That u/s just can't come soon enough! I can't start believing this is real until I see that heart beat. Wow, for the first time I am actually looking forward to doctor's appointments.

Most all of our families have been told now, they were all happy for us, and no one made any off color remarks, so that was a sigh of relief.

Right now my husband and I have been discussing our finances and what remodeling in the house must be finished before the baby comes and what can wait. He really wants to refinish our hardwood floors, but that money would probably be better spent giving me some extra time off of work. We are sorting through it though, and the good thing is that at least our credit cards should be paid off by then.

Oh, Friday.....hurry up.

2nd Beta Results

2008-10-06T16:16:00.003-04:00

My doctor called today a little after 3pm, Friday's beta was...235! WooHoo! Over the amount it should have been! Next beta is Thursday with results on Friday. Friday they will set up my first appointment and first ultrasound! Can't wait for Friday. None of this is real to me until I see that heartbeat. I just want to be sure.

Nothing to do but wait

2008-10-03T15:25:00.002-04:00

Wait until Monday. This will be the longest weekend of my life. I know I'll probably have to call Monday morning, since they don't seem to be great at calling back ASAP.

What are my chances? How many times do people go for a second beta and it goes down? What are the odds? I am taking the progesterone which I know decreases my chance of miscarriage, but how much will it help?

This wait is just killer.

So far yesterday I had awful cramps still and wonderful diarrhea all day. But if its just another pregnancy symptom, I'll take it. Today so far I feel fine-hope everything's still ok. I think I will POAS in the morning just to reassure myself.

We are going over to some friends house tomorrow night, so at least that will pass some time.

DH is so cute-he's already ordered 2 pregnancy books from Amazon.com and they should arrive shortly. He's convinced everything will be fine, but I'd rather wait until Monday to confirm we have rising numbers. I'm just so nervous. After all we've been through, how could I not be?

My Miracle

2008-10-01T16:51:00.002-04:00

I was a nervous wreck this morning waiting for the doctor to call. I eventually called them, went through like 4 receptionists who all couldn't find my blood work results, but said someone would call me back. The phone finally rings, I answer it and it is the doctor himself. The one who talked me back into taking the progesterone and who gave me the lab slip for the blood work. He said my beta was 48, and I was pregnant. I started crying immediately. Whoa. I assumed I would never hear those words. He wants me to go for another beta on Friday and they will call me Monday with the results.

So now I will be on pins and needles until I get that call.

As soon as I was done talking to the doctor, I flew into the bathroom where my husband had just stepped out of the shower, flung my arms around him crying and trying to get out the words "We're pregnant". He was so happy. I called my sister and told her, but we are going to wait until Monday's results to tell the rest of my family.

I am having a hard time concentrating here at work, I just can't believe it. I took an HPT here at work and got my first positive pee stick ever.

I am just so worried that a beta of 48 for 17dpo is not high enough. All I can do is wait.

Stupid Progesterone

2008-09-29T19:06:00.002-04:00

So many women react to progesterone in different ways, it is so hard to tell what is normal and what is not. I was in a panic today. You see, I stopped taking the progesterone Saturday night, I had wasted 3 different pee sticks, all of which were negative. I assumed there was no way I could be pregnant. So this morning, my temperature rises even more. What is going on? Its supposed to fall and AF is supposed to come. Well I start crying (at work), wondering if I really am pregnant, and now by not taking the progesterone I have screwed up our one and only chance ever to get pregnant. I called my mom and begged her to go to my house, get the progesterone, and drive 45 minutes to bring it to me at work. She did, but of course got me more upset by going on and on, telling me this and that, and she really just has no clue how this all works. Ugh. I called the doctor at 4:30-never got a call back. At 6pm I called the answering service where they told me a different doctor would call me back. (I wanted my doctor, no one else would even understand all this.) So the doctor on call called back, thankfully he listened to my story and said yes go ahead and keep taking the progesterone and I could pick up a lab slip in the morning for a blood test. I told him I have to be somewhere at 10am, so I need the slip early in the morning.

So...9:15 I pick up the labslip, 9:20-drive across the street to the lab which is always packed, but I made an appointment online for that time, so I should get in right away.

Then at 10am I have an interview. A really important interview. Like, if I get this job, it will be very easy to save enough money for adoption.

Cross your fingers that just one good thing happens tomorrow. I really doubt I am pregnant, but if I could get this job I just might cry tears of happiness instead of disappointment.

Cut My Pay???

2008-09-22T21:45:00.002-04:00

Could it be---word going around at work is that our contract is being renegotiated to begin November 1st. The union stewards are saying it does not look good, and that's all they can say for now. It looks like supervisor pay will be cut drastically (I'm a supervisor). What are we going to do? My husband and I both work for this company doing the exact same job. How will we afford it?

Calm down, calm down. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. (It does, doesn't it?) I know things will change, but how?

What would you do if someone told you they would cut your pay drastically? Good paying jobs are so hard to come by here in Michigan. I have a BA in Criminal Justice and Sociology, and have applied for many many different jobs over the years with not a single interview for anything better paying than this.

And of course, I have cramps up the wazoo. Please let me be pregnant. I need just one good thing to happen.

Getting My Hopes Up

2008-09-22T18:17:00.003-04:00

I know I have done this like a hundred times, only to be disappointed and bawl my eyes out for a few days when AF shows. This is the first round with the new thyroid meds, the metformin, all the proper vitamins, Clomid, and finally the progesterone support, which I believe is the last piece to the puzzle. My temp is up and looking good. I need to decide on a test day, maybe sometime at the end of this week. I know that if I am not pregnant, the progesterone will prevent any spotting/bleeding until I stop taking it. So I will need to be sure I am not pregnant before I stop taking it. Luckily I am very busy this week with work so the time should fly by. But I am reminded every 8 hrs as I put the progesterone in that this could be it.

Today I am slightly crampy but otherwise no symptoms so far. I don't, well okay I do, get why this is so hard every month. It is so unfair that most of the world can get pregnant so easily. Don't we deserve a chance to be parents?

New Jeans! Smaller Jeans!

2008-09-15T09:06:00.004-04:00

So Saturday we decided to take a break from everything and go out to a movie and dinner with friends. Now that its starting to cool off a bit, I needed to dig out my warmer clothes from storage. I had two pairs of jeans in my closet that I wore last winter that are now falling off of me, so I pulled out the next size down from my box of jeans. Well I fit into them, a 9/10 Lee Perfect Fit, and got them zipped up, but they were a little too tight looking for my comfort. So I had to run to the store to see what I could find. I knew I was looking for a size 11/12 or 9/10. Well guess what...I found the perfect jean in a 9/10!!!!! I was literally jumping up and down in the fitting room! I am only 1 size away from my goal, a 7/8-which is what I wore in high school and college!

So I put my size 10 jeans on with this new little black 3/4 sleeve top, did my hair up cute (did I mention a couple weeks ago I cut off my waist length hair? Well now it barely touches the collar and is flipped out, very cute!) I felt SOOOOO good! I felt like a million bucks! It was a great night!

Sunday we put in our new closet organizer from Rubbermaid in the master bedroom. Hubby had a hard time getting it in, but it was worth it! Talk about maximizing space-now it is wayyyyy more organized! I will have to take a picture of it.

So we sorted through the clothes, switching out summer for winter, a throw away pile, a Goodwill pile, etc. As we were going downstairs to the basement to get the boxes, hubby found we had major water from the heavy rains now covering our basement floor. At least my stuff is ok-everything is up off the floor on shelves or in plastic bins where water won't hurt them. We have a very old house (1929) and we do get a small amount that seeps through the walls. Usually it is just enough to soak up with an old towel. But we've never had this much rain all at once (maybe remnants of the hurricane?). So my husband brings the Shop-Vac down and sucks up the water. Over the course of about 4 hours we had sucked up about 25 gallons! It just keeps coming! We have yet to see how bad it is this morning-I'm afraid to look! Yikes. Kimbosue I hope you're ok down there in Texas!

Life's not like a box of chocolates

2008-09-12T19:04:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I just sit and think about what exactly I am here on this earth for. You imagine your life one way and it turns out just the opposite. Infertility is not something I expected. No one ever expects it. Obviously my place in this world is not to raise 2 or 3 beautiful intelligent children.

If I had to describe my life in three words it would be: stressful, burdened and desperate.

I am beginning to think my title is "caregiver". From the time I was a teenager it seems as though that's where life has taken me. Like taking huge responsibility looking after my younger brother and sister and carting them around to appointments and activities when my parents went through a messy divorce. I should have been enjoying my high school years, instead I spent most of it worrying over my home life. Worrying over our safety in our own home, worried that everyone around us knew what was going on, worried there wouldn't be enough money for food, clothes, or school activities. Worried I'd never get away from it all. When my sister was in her early 20's, I was the one to help my her out when her now ex-husband left her high and dry with no money and no car. My husband and I bought her a old beat up car to get her to work in, you'd think that would be someone else's responsibility (parents?), but no one else stepped up to help. And I was the one to take care of my mom last year when she was in and out of the hospital so sick from what turned out to be her thyroid. And now my grandma has nowhere to go and is living with me because her own sons won't care for her. Not can't take care of her, won't.

I have never chosen to do any of these "caregiver" tasks-they just seem to be thrust upon me with little or no option. I certainly do not have an abundance of money or time, yet when things happen, I always scrape together to give to others. Maybe I am just someone that everyone walks all over, because they know I'll do it, they know I'll help. But you know-its tough. Its tiring, its financially draining. Just how much can one person give of themselves before there is nothing left? Anyone? If I keep going like this, what kind of life is that?

Who's going to help me? Who's going to be there when I bawl my eyes out learning, in the not so distant future I'm sure, that my brother or sister is having a baby? Who's going to understand that I can't, just can't stomach going to one more baby shower? Hear one more person say "You're just trying to hard"? Or even care as I get more and more negative pee sticks to add to my collection? No one in real life, other than my husband. I have a few fellow bloggers in blogland who understand, but no real life people. The world does not understand or even care about the pain of infertiles.

Clomid again...

2008-09-04T17:03:00.002-04:00

So I lost count. Don't even know what round of Clomid this is but whatever. Today is day 3 of the evil pills and the hot flashes are in full swing. Goody.

I am so exhausted having Grandma live with us. She has had two strokes and is a little wobbly and forgetful. We are trying to get her into assisted living by December. Today she was sitting on the couch with the phone up to her ear waiting for the phone to ring. I asked her what she was doing, the phone would ring if it was on the table and she didn't need to keep it up to her ear. She laughed and said "oops" looking a bit embarrassed. And she still drives. Since she's been with us she's already backed into someone's car on the street.

So on top of having her in the house, the sewer line backed up in the basement last night and poor hubby was in a tizzy dealing with that this morning. I'm exhausted from having to work so many hours at work plus keeping all our meals and laundry up.

This will be interesting-trying to do the wild thang with Grandma in the house...its just weird. Hopefully hubby won't chicken out. We just can't miss any opportunities.

Anyone know of a cleaning fairy? A helper fairy? Our bedroom and dining room are just full of stuff. Everything was turned upside down with Grandma coming with only an hour's notice. I feel just awful when my entire house is a mess. Maybe this weekend I can try to plug away at it. I need organization!

Grandma

2008-08-24T09:12:00.002-04:00

Well I haven't had much time to blog lately. Things have become a bit crazy around my house. As of Tuesday afternoon, my Grandma came to live with us. She will be staying at least until December, if not longer. She was living with my uncle, but apparantly he has no patience and made grandma stressed out and upset. My dad had her for all of two weeks before that. It is just so irritating that her own sons can't take her, and now her granddaughter is taking her in. I had assumed I would be taking care of my own parents when they got old, but never imagined I would have to take care of my Grandma. She is 70, and has had 2 strokes already. She really shouldn't live on her own, so we are exploring some assisted living homes for her.

My husband has been a saint. He set up her room and has been good about sharing his "castle" with another person. I can't thank him enough, I know how he hates even having company over for even a few hours.

The same day Grandma came to live with us, I got to work to find that the third shift supervisor had an emergency c-section and was out on maternity leave. That means I now am working a lot of 12hr days. On top of taking care of Grandma-I'm exhausted.

The Dreaded Hot Flashes

2008-08-15T10:49:00.002-04:00

Ugh. I forgot just how much I hated Clomid. After Round 5 of the Clomid, I was so happy I was done and never had to take it again. Well who knows how many rounds we'll try now. Its always about 1 week's worth of being miserable, from right after I take the last pill to the time of ovulation. One very, very long week. I mean I wish I could just go to work naked-well not really, but you get what I mean.

Maybe that is why Clomid is now super cheap (generic at Walmart for $9), its the infertility drug with the most undesirable side effects-moodiness, hot flashes, and increases risk of multiples. But that is all we are left with now, so its Clomid or bust!

I think I may have ovulated yesterday-the hot flashes are gone, and I got a positive OPK, so let's hope.

Thankful for:

-Shorter cycles (this means more tries per year-woohoo!)
-Hot flashes gone (at least for this round)
-Feeling more energized (maybe from the thyroid meds?!)

Another Reminder

2008-08-06T18:42:00.003-04:00

Today my mother called and said that an old neighbor had sent her my class reunion invitation that kept coming to our old house. Ugh. I hoped that I'd just never be found. Even after moving about six times. Anyways, I'm not going.

Yes, its the 10 year reunion, and there are a few people I'd like to see. But, I just can't take the embarassment. I mean, I can just see how this would play out: We'd arrive and someone would say "Oh so what do you do for a living?" I'd rather not even say, because its not even a career, just a measly job that pays the bills. Plus I'm about 50lbs heavier and half bald. And then, everyone would pull out pictures of their kids, you know, that thing I have none of. I would feel about 2 inches tall and want to run out of there.

So no, I'm not putting myself through all that.

You see, in high school I was this tall skinny girl who got straight A's and was very athletic. Back then, I'm sure everyone expected me to have a fabulous career and family and stay skinny forever. I guess my life just didn't turn out like I or anyone else expected. I never thought I'd be childless, bald, and barely hanging on.

Its funny when I think back at how I felt about the world when I was graduating from high school. I thought if you worked hard and went to college, you really would get a great job. I thought that the great America really was the land of opportunity. Now, ten years later I realize that hard work and perserverance will not always prevail, and that money sometimes can buy everything.

So, I'm trying not to think of all my classmates enjoying seeing each other again and just focus on the here and now and the reality that is my life. Taking the countless colorful pills at specific times of the day, scheduling regimented times to have baby-making sex (I guess that's the only kind of sex there is these days), and saving every penny we can for adoption. Go to work, sleep, repeat.

Focus, just focus. Just get through another day without being reminded that I am childless.

Answers-Finally!

2008-07-26T08:32:00.004-04:00

Friday was a fantastic day. I feel like I got my birthday celebration early (its really on Sunday). I feel on top of the world.

We met with Dr. T on Friday morning. DH and I both went in. I began to pour out my story of my mother's thyroid history and my recent RE only running the standard thyroid test, TSH. He asked lots of questions to which I had well prepared answers. I showed him previous lab results from the RE and a few years back. He then took me into another room where he did an ultrasound of my throat, obviously checking on my thyroid.

After we returned to my waiting husband in the first room, the doctor explained that my thyroid was definitely enlarged. He said I also have thyroid antibodies (one of the tests I insisted be written in on the lab slip). He even gave my "condition" a name- Hashimoto's.

I was smiling from ear to ear. I'm not crazy. There really is something wrong. It was my thyroid, just like I told them, when no one would listen when I told them what happened with my mother. My persistence paid off, in the most important way. He said taking thyroid medication will almost certainly restore fertility.

Oh my gosh, did he just say that there is a chance we might get to be parents after all? Yes, yes, miracles just might be possible for an average girl like me. This truly is one of the best moments of my life.

So we go back in a month to see how the thyroid medication is working. He also is a firm believer that the TSH level needs to be between .5 and 1.5 for optimum fertility. He will adjust my meds until I am in that range.

So here is my shout out to others in the infertility world:

1. Please don't make the same mistakes I made. Don't assume your doctor actually did the tests you asked for-ask to see the results.

2. Be forceful. The only one rooting for you is you. If one doctor isn't listening, find one who will. There are good doctors out there. No one knows your body better than you.

3. Please do not waste your money on IUI or IVF until you have had a full thyroid workup. Most doctors only run a standard TSH test. This is NOT enough. You need to ask for T3, T4, and thyroid antibodies. My IUIs might have actually worked had my thyroid been fixed first.

4. And if you desire to be a parent, don't ever, ever give up.

I Hate Being Me

2008-07-21T09:06:00.002-04:00

Gosh it seems like forever since I posted. Well a few days before our appointment with Dr. N, I knew that I was going to ovulate very soon. After all the charting, temping, checking mucous, etc, I am pretty in tune with my body. And I can definately tell when I ovulate. So I grabbed DH and figured we might as well try. So I am trying not to pinpoint any days or really keep track of anything, but I do know I am in the TWW. I have a million other things to keep me occupied and that's the way I want it.

Yesterday I went shopping with my sister. She needed some shoes to go with this really cute dark brown dress with little turquoise polka dots and I needed to find anything that looked good and fit. We have a wedding next weekend and a wedding at the end of August for two of our cousins. My husband has a nice suit and looks all spiffy, so I really would like to look like a gorgeous wife. Well my sister found her shoes, super cute and at a great price too, only $25! I on the other hand, must have tried on over 50 dresses and 40 dressy shirts! Shopping is so frustrating for me. Why oh why do people think it is cool to be tall? They have no idea that the fashion industry does not make freakishly tall clothes! Yes, I know there are tons of "tall" pants out there now-but they are made for those up to 5'9''! That's it! And there are a miniscule amount of shirts made with extra long torsos and extra long arms. Sigh. I certainly hope that 3/4 sleeve shirts and capris never go out of style, cause I have no idea what my closet would consist of.

So I have a pair of dressy khaki colored dress pants that fit great, but no shirt to wear. I found one, well two while I was out with my sister and they will have to do. They are the same shirt, one in red and one in green, a silky type of blouse. I will see which one I like better with the pants and take the other back. That's as dressy as I can get I suppose. I wish I had some fabulous dress, since this will be the wedding of the year (the one in August). Held at a historical theater here in Michigan, I'm sure it will be unique.

My appointment with the endocrinologist is this Friday, I sure hope he can find some answers for me. (Am I hoping he finds something obviously wrong? Yes. Then he can fix it.) My hair is falling out even more, it hasn't slowed down one bit. I actually vacuum the bathroom each morning with my Dyson because it looks like someone got a haircut in there. I hope this doc can figure out why, and maybe why we still haven't gotten pregnant.

Doctor, Pants, Vacuum

2008-07-10T15:53:00.004-04:00

I had a good day today.

1. Doctor: Today was my first visit with yet another new OB/GYN (I think this is #7!?!). He came highly recommended from my primary doctor. DH went with me, I figured maybe if he was there then the new doctor might take me a bit more serious. I, being as informed as possible, had already searched on the internet for any patient feedback on this doctor. I only found about 6 comments, all which stated that this doctor was super, but sometimes you had to wait a bit.

Well we did have to wait for quite a while, but it was all worth it. He spent approximately 1hr with us! Now that is service! I was "Ms. Prepared" and had all my test results highlighted and organized so I was able to quickly pull them out for Dr. N as he asked me questions. I made sure he fully understood that exams hurt me quite a bit and I have to say that he is the first OB/GYN to complete an exam without hurting me! Hallelujah!

Anyways, he agreed that we should give Clomid another try with the Metformin, since the five cycles before were just Clomid alone. He is open to many different possibilities of our infertility and that alone was what I was looking for. Someone with an open mind, someone who will understand we can't do expensive treatments or surgery that the insurance doesn't cover and that we don't have the money for. He agreed with me that the thyroid definitely needs further investigating. He added (wrote in) a few more thyroid tests on the lab work sheet that my primary doctor gave me to get drawn a week before I go see the endocrinologist. So depending on the results from the blood work and my visit with the endocrinologist, then we will decide what other courses of action to take.

2. Pants: I got new uniform pants for work finally. They are a size smaller and they fit great! Now I'm not looking like a baggy saggy rapper! Anyways, it makes me feel skinnier! I'm a happy worker today! (Uniforms are so hard to get where I work, it takes many months for stuff to get delivered!)

3. Vacuum: After the appointment today we went out to get the Dyson I have been eyeing for over a year, the DC18. DH was scoping out deals online and after some price matching and coupons we took our dust sucking monster home for only $305 out the door! DH of course refused to read the directions, and it took him forever to put it together and figure out how to work it. By the time he was done, I had to leave for work so I didn't get to play with our new toy yet! I can't wait to get home tonight and start getting rid of all the cat/dog hair (oh and my hair that is all over the floor). We have no carpet, just hardwoods original to the house and newer tile in the kitchen and bath so cleaning should be easy!

Today was empowering. I feel like I am getting control back. Now let's hope the endocrinologist is as helpful as Dr. N.!

On to Investigate the Thyroid

2008-07-04T18:17:00.004-04:00

Well I am going to see a new OB/GYN on July 10th. I can't afford any more trips to the RE, so maybe someone new can figure something out. The last OB/GYN was just too rough and didn't really get that the smallest procedures and exams really hurt me. I hope the new doc can provide some relief from my super painful AFs, but also not give me anything to prevent pregnancy, since I'd like to believe there just might be a glimmer of hope that we'll get pregnant, someday.

Then July 25th, I go to an endocrinologist. I really hope this doctor can help. I truly believe that my thyroid needs to be investigated a bit further. Let me back up a bit. In the fall of 2007, my mother became very ill, in and out of the hospital for what they thought was a rapid heartbeat that could not be controlled. Me, being the oldest of her children, and the one that only lives one block away, ended up spending lots of time in the emergency room and hospital with her. After about the fourth trip to the ER in three months, her heart was racing so fast that they gave her drugs through her IV to slow it down. The first round didn't work, so the nurse pushed in a second bag. Well the nurse wasn't paying attention to the monitors (the alarms had been silenced due to hours of horns and whistles constantly sounding because mom was in tachycardia) and I watched my mother's heart rate go from 170 to under 40 in a matter of 10 seconds. Mom passed out cold. The next thing I knew they were calling for the crash cart and the entire exam room was filled with doctors and nurses trying to get her heart rate regulated. Thankfully my mom didn't die right in front of me, but it was enough to scare the crap out of me. After an extensive stay in the hospital, it was determined that her thyroid was the root cause of all her heart problems. Each time she had come in to the hospital complaining of chest pains and rapid heart rate, they had tested her thyroid, but said it was "within the normal range." It wasn't until they did more advanced tests that they found her thyroid to be so out of whack, they were surprised she was still alive. Her thyroid came out immediately. It took many months for excess hormones to leave my mother's body even after her thyroid was removed and for her to function normally. I was warned to watch my thyroid closely. My mother had not become so sick in a short time. She had been sick for many years and no doctor caught it. And it almost cost her life.

I tell this story because when I went to the RE for my initial appointment, I stressed that my mother had just recently had severe thyroid issues and came very close to death. I also explained that many doctors and hospitals had run the standard thyroid test on her, TSH, and they all came back normal when in fact it was anything but normal. I asked the RE to please run the more advanced thyroid tests to be sure that my thyroid was not the cause of my infertility. I assumed he did, because he said he would check it out. When I got all my initial blood work done, he said it was fine.

I was so naive. Come to find out he only did the stupid TSH test. Not the free T3 or free T4 or the antibodies. I am quite furious. I will insist that the new OB/GYN or endocrinologist test for these specific things. Especially with my hair falling out rapidly (which is a huge neon sign that something is wrong) and my irregular cycles, I think they need to look at that a little closer. And I will get my own copy of the results. I will be pushy. I will tell them if it isn't on the generic lab work request form to write it in.

I will not let my life be ruined from something they should have checked for.

I'm in charge.

It's my body and I want answers.

Going Bald?

2008-06-29T10:24:00.003-04:00

I am really starting to freak out. On top of everything else-my hair is falling out-and lots of it. I estimate I have already lost between 30% and 50% of what I have always had.

I suppose it began about a few months ago. When I would get out of the shower and comb my hair, I would notice more than usual. Now when I get out of the shower the comb is covered with a humongous clump of hair. And that is after seeing two to three huge clumps go down the drain while washing it.

I have always had a head of thick luscious beautiful hair. It is stick straight and a bit past my shoulders. I have dyed my hair for over four years, using the same color and the same brand, so I do not think it has anything to do with the dye. I have pretty much stuck with the same few shampoos and conditioners, so nothing different there either. I will be 28 years old in July, so its not as though I am just getting too old.

I do not believe it is from stress. Heck, my entire life has been one big super stress ball! I have never not been super stressed out. So no, stress is not the culprit of my falling locks.

I started taking Metformin in April, and did a round of injectibles at the end of April through May, and the final one May through mid June. We aren't doing anymore injectibles but I would like to continue on the Metformin to help with my PCOS. I have lost over 10 lbs, and am still hoping it will level out my cycle lengths. I would like to take the Metformin for at least a year to see if it helps, but if my cycles are still too long then I will discontinue.

I just can't handle having PCOS, being infertile, and going bald! A woman's hair is everything! No matter what has happened in my life (gaining weight, tragedies, etc.) I have known that I can always make my hair look good and that made me feel good about myself. If I lose all (or most) of my hair, what do I have left?

Questions:
1. Have any of you experienced hair loss from Follistim/Gonal F or from Metformin?
2. Did it go away? What did you do?
3. If this was you, what would you do?